Tastes vary greatly. Some people savor hot jalapenos, some people think they’re horrible. Some people like bathes, some don’t – they like showers. But there are lists of things that nobody likes. Things that bring individual tastes into the collective taste. Some of the things on that list of commonly disliked items are movies. Bad movies. Really, really bad movies. Movies you never want to see – and nobody else does either.
I write movie reviews for two websites. Because of that, I have to watch a lot of movies I would not otherwise watch. Some bad movies are middle-of-the-road bad movies. Take Battlefield Earth, for example. Some people love that movie, while others hate it. The majority of people just didn’t like it very much. Such movies are not on this list. This is a list of bad movies – really bad movies. Movies nobody could possibly find entertaining. Movies that you, and everyone else, need to avoid seeing.
WARNING: I am not writing this as a review of the following movies. Not at all. I am writing this as a warning to movie watchers. Ignore my list of bad movies at your own peril. I guarantee that if you watch any of the movies on my list of bad movies, you’ll wish you’d spent that time getting a root canal. And with that said…
Starquest: The Odyssey (2009)
This movie was so bad that it made me want to buy space on billboards to tell people not to watch it. As a science fiction fan, I was offended at this addition to the genre. As bad movies go, this is a real standout. Starquest Director:Jon Bonnell. Starquest stars: Aaron Ginn-forsberg, Davina Joy, Tamara McDaniel and James Ray.
The Keeper (2009)
Not to be confused with The Keeper from 2004 starring Dennis Hopper and Asia Argento. Steven Seagal really needs to hang it up. His flabby, slow moving body and so obviously dyed jet black hair are really not suited to action movies. Dark scenes and cutaway fight scenes punctuate this horrific bit of bad movie tripe. On the upside, you get to be momentarily distracted from the acting. The Keeper Director: Keoni Waxman. The Keeper stars: Steven Seagal, Alexandria Morrow, Luce Rains and Jessica Williams.
Homecoming was so very difficult to sit through. It is an utterly atrocious horror/suspense movie. I would rather have the flu than watch even the trailer for this easy-to-hate bad movie. May the fleas of a thousand camels descend on the house of he who produced this really monumentally bad movie. Director of Homecoming: Morgan J. Freeman. Stars of Homecoming: Mischa Barton, Matt Long, Jessica Stroup and Michael Landes.
The Killing Room (2009)
A convoluted and confusing movie offering based on government mind control experiments. Despite one of my favorite actors, Peter Stormare, being in the cast – I found this movie to be absolutely worthless. I think I stared at my watch more than the movie – watching the seconds s-l-o-w-l-y tick off until I could escape. Director of The Killing Room: Jonathan Liebesman. Stars of The Killing Room: Nick Cannon, Clea DuVall, Timothy Hutton, Chloë Sevigny and Peter Stormare.
Silent Venom (2009)
Snakes on a plane? No! Snakes on a submarine. I guess snakes on a space shuttle will be next or maybe a trolley car. I sure hope they handle it better than Silent Venom. When a horror movie makes you keep yawning, you know it’s a bad movie. I would rather slap my mom around the house all day than ever see this truly bad movie again. Luke Perry and Tom Berenger have absolutely hit rock bottom. Too bad. Director of Silent Venom: Fred Olen Ray. Stars of Silent Venom: Luke Perry, Krista Allen, Tom Berenger and Louis Mandylor.
In my extensive archives of reviewed films, I have many more bad movies that I could list here. Heck, these are just a few of the bad movies released in 2009. Heaven forbid that I reach all the way back to 1990, when I started writing reviews. A list of bad movies from 1990 – 2009 would require a novel, not an article.
Make your movie-going experiences the fun, entertaining activity they are supposed to be. Jump around the internet and read several reviews before you pick which movie you’ll pay to see at a theater or rent on DVD. There are countless excellent and very good movies out there. So there’s really no reason for you to suffer through a bad movie.