Ok I’ve decided to go ahead and make some enemies here. I know Soccer or Futbol or whatever you like to call it is a big deal just about everywhere you go outside the United States. I know that in certain parts of the world David Beckham is regarded as a God and let’s not forget the props that Pele was getting way back when. But the honest to God truth is this, I doesn’t matter if you bring Beckham to L.A. or even if you get real funding from the corporate “who’s-who” of this great country. In the end, America will never be a soccer loving country. Now I know some of you are steaming around the collars and ready to send me the way of Hoffa, but hear me out on these few points and we’ll see after all is said and done if you don’t just start to see things my way.
1. Soccer is not from here.
American’s like to do things that even when they aren’t, at least seem American. We have Football. While it may have originated as rugby somewhere else we’ve bastardized it into something or our own, and for that reason every Monday, Saturday, and Sunday you’ll find hoards of American men “and women” lazing around in pubs, restaraunts and living rooms nursing their beverage of choice and screaming like mental ward patients at play after play for their favorite teams. I’ve yet to see this from Soccer fans in North America. Heck, At least with tennis we had Mcenroe to entertain us. But I digress.
2. Running, Running, and more Running
When was the last time most people went running? We here in America have taken on a new way of life. “Land of the free, Home of the Whopper!” We eat and eat and sit and sit. We sleep to much and exercise to little, and last I checks we were still some of the most overweight on this lovely planet we call earth. Just like the insecure girlfriend who hates to see another girl who she thinks is prettier than her, we hate to see people that remind us of how out of shape and unhealthy we are as a whole. Nothing wrong with it, It’s just human nature. So next time you walk out to get the mail and end up out of breathe think of doing it 5x faster and 200x longer. You’ll realize why some of us lothe such sports.
3. It’s not the UFC.
Soccer hardly calls to the deep longings of man, those primal screams found deep inside. It looks more like frolicking around a field like a gazelle rather than a fierce battle as most of us secretly long for. Here in America we like our sports to be slightly on the barbaric side. Bruises are good, Blood is even better, and if there’s a serious risk of death we really love it. The last time anybody saw a soccer match on one of those Too Raw For TV shows it was when the rickety stands collapsed. No, we here in America want carnage, Some mayhem for added fun. Even when we watch Nascar we get the chance of good wrecks. Soccer gives us only twisted ankles and torqued knees, hardly enough to get our blood preassure slightly elevated. Why do you think Kimbo Slice is a household name?
4. No Cheerleaders.
Sex sells. Sad but true. Look at the commercials today. Heck last time I saw an ad for Carl’s Jr Burgers I had to tell small children to look away. Boxing has bikin clad models announcing the rounds, Football has cheerleaders, Tennis has those short skirts, and volleyball…. well we’ve all seen volleyball. “don’t act so innocent” Soccer has…….. well nothing.
Until the soccer leagues hire some ditzy bombshells the majority viewing audience will still be glued to beach volleyball.
5. There’s no Dana White here.
Every good sport has good promoters. While just a short while ago the UFC was broke, busted and going downhill quick look at it now. So can we rule Soccer out? Absolutely not! But there has to be some major changes in how this product is pitched to such a society as ours. It has to be as appealing to the couch potato as it is to the health nut. It also has to be fun to watch. We are sadly a nation of microwavable, super-fast, instant gratification people, so for us taking the time to sit down and relax is hard, even harder when we’re watching a game that consist of sweaty long haired men running around a field playing a game we have very little knowledge of. Soccer is popular in places, But as for now, The U.S.A. isn’t having much of it.