I never claim any of the calls for content that appear on the Associated Content Assignment Desk. For those of you unfamiliar with the AC Assignment Desk, AC provides a bin where writers can go to claim suggested content topics. A majority of the topics are “How-Tos” and “Top Fives” and other kinds of information that respectable content producers provide. AC likes these kinds of articles because they pull a lot of page views. There are guidelines and deadlines and all that crap, and I never put in a claim because I hate guidelines and deadlines and all that crap. I’m a loner and a rebel…and lazy. Plus very few of the topics lend themselves to the type of writing I do which-if you’ve read any of my crap-you know can only be categorized as “made up shit.” I mean I’m just not the kind of guy you’re gonna want to trust if you’re looking for, say, the “Top 5 Places to Get Your Scrotum Pierced in the Vatican City Area.”
But the other day, as I perused the assignment desk, I came across one call for content that grabbed my attention immediately. Right there before my eyes was the assignment I’d been waiting for all my life: “Top 5 Hair Removal Techniques for Better Sex.” Finally, a subject I could relate to! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been engaged in sexual activities when I’ve thought to myself, “This is damn fun, but it’d be a whole lot better if I tore up my carpeting and exposed my natural wood flooring.” I mean who doesn’t think that? You’re doing stuff and then suddenly your turf gets tangled and pulled and it’s pain city. Ouch! We’ve all been there.
Still, I decided to hold off on making a claim and instead spent a little time thinking about whether or not I really wanted to try something I’d never done before like being responsible and committing myself to something. Did I really want the pressure of following guidelines and meeting a deadline? Did I really want to cite references? I’m much more comfortable writing under my own guidelines (get stoned), meeting my own deadlines (submit articles when sober enough to figure out AC’s complicated publishing procedures), and knowing I needn’t reference anything (no one would ever want to make a claim that I plagiarized the shit I write anyway).
Nevertheless, I returned to the assignment desk prepared to put in a claim on “Top 5 Hair Removal Techniques for Better Sex.” I was juiced. I couldn’t wait to begin my research and actually for once in my life be helpful to others. I pictured thousands of heavily-follicled readers in search of hairless sex clicking on the link to my article and learning everything they needed to know about hair removal. I imagined the hundreds of comments newly-smooth readers would leave gratefully thanking me for opening the door to a new, exciting sex life free of pubic growth. I wondered if some of my female readers would send before and after pictures. I would be a hero!
Excited about my plans of commitment, I scanned down the assignment desk list ready to pounce. I scanned back up, then down again. I began to panic. Was it a mirage? Did I misread it? How could this be? Apparently enough writers had put in claims that the call for “Top 5 Hair Removal Techniques for Better Sex” had been removed. I was crushed. “I knew it! I just friggin’ knew it!” I bawled. “Those AC bastards stole any chance I had of ever becoming a respectable content producer!”
But then I thought, “Screw ’em! I’ll do it anyway. So what if I don’t get credit for my work-I just have too much information that I must share with the world!” I grabbed a beer and sat down and started banging out perhaps some of my greatest work.
So for those of you who have always wanted to improve your sex lives by tearing up your carpeting, read on…
#1 Hair Removal Technique for Better Sex – Waxing
A favorite method of masochists, this procedure involves applying hot wax to the pubic region. Once the wax hardens it is given a good yank thus ripping away hair from your crotch. It is painful. It is also stupid. Caution: A Brazilian waxing includes the removal of hair from the nether regions, as in where the sun don’t shine. Brazilians are crazy bastards!
Fun tip: Used pieces of wax make great fake mustaches for Halloween!
#2 Hair Removal Technique for Better Sex – Plucking
If you have a lot of time on your hands, plucking may be the way you want to go. It’s basically the same method used on eyebrows.
Fun tip: To fool your lover, after plucking apply squiggly lines with an eyebrow pencil!
#3 Hair Removal Technique for Better Sex – Sugaring
In sugaring, a paste is used in a manner similar to waxing. The paste, which is a mixture of water, sugar, lemon juice and cornstarch, sticks to the hair and when removed pulls the hair with it.
Fun tip: Pour into a greased pan and bake in a preheated oven at 350 for 45 minutes. Let cool. Sprinkle with powdered sugar. Serves eight.
#4 Hair Removal Technique for Better Sex – Threading
In this ancient method a thread is rolled across unwanted hair, thus snagging and pulling the hair away at the follicle level.
Fun tip: Save those used threads and knit them into a stylish mohair sweater!
#5 Hair Removal Technique for Better Sex – Shaving
The tried and true method of shaving is still the hair removal preference of most Americans. Shaving allows you to be creative leaving varying lengths of patches in certain areas while completely baring other areas.
Fun tip: Shave a likeness of your lover’s best friend into your crotch and let the fun begin!