My journey thru these two difficult diagnoses is a long painful road that has lead me to the strong person I am today. My story starts back as a new bride believing she is marrying the man of her dreams. She is filled when all the dreams and hopes of tomorrow and the love she thinks she found. I lived this dream for a year before things started going wrong. It started with little comments like “you’re from the wrong side of the tracks” or “you would not like this as it’s too sophisticated”. It was being told that I was not good enough; nothing I did was right and the belief that it was my fault. It was him not letting me do things that he felt would make me be better than him or earn more than him. After the second year of marriage he started disappearing for hours at a time.
The more negative he spoke, the more negative I felt and turned to food for comfort. Food was the only thing that made me feel good even thou it was temporary. I started putting on weight. He used this as tool to put me down even more. I tried every diet I could but when I asked for his support I was ridiculed and told to just quit eating. Here is the man that supposedly loves me telling me I’m not worth his time I was devastated. Between him cheating on me and putting me down at every turn I feel into despair. Four years into our marriage I had a baby and thought that things would get better as we where now a family, boy was I wrong.
Adding a baby to the family only made it worse. If I tried to do anything without the baby was told “why did you have a kid if you’re going to have other people have him” so I quit doing everything. If I spent too much time with my family it caused arguments. IF I complained he was gone so much it would start fighting so I quit talking. He constantly pointed out that I was fat and should just stop eating. I got to the point I was scared to talk for the fear it would cause him to yell at me. This was the begging of my anxiety attacks. I would not be able to enjoy myself for the fear that it would start an argument and I was sick of fighting. I was afraid of my own shadow so I went to the doctor and all they wanted to do was put me on anti-depression medication that cause even more fights, so I never took them.
For three years I lived like this till Easter time 2004. I stopped by my mother’s house and she asked me point blank “what’s wrong, you look like crap”. She also pointed out that my son is learning what a relationship is from us, is this what I wanted him to learn? IT made me stop and think hard about my life and what my son was seeing. The morning that I got my life back was the morning that my son did not want cereal for breakfast. Like any other mother I asked why and my son looked at me and said “it has sugar in it and sugar makes you fat and I don’t want to be fat like you”. I packed that day and moved to my mother’s house.
I felt so much better that first night in my mother’s house. I was not worried about arguing or saying something that was going to set him off. I was able to breathe and laugh again. However my depression may have been cured my anxiety went up. I had to learn to deal with everything myself again and it was scary. I could not sleep most nights that my soon to be ex-husband had my son. I was having anxiety attacks so bad I would sit an cry for hours. I finally went to the doctor and got some sedatives that saved my life. It’s amazing how sleep can make you wake up with a new prospective and each day it got easier because I was doing it myself. I believed in myself. I learned to notice the signs of an attack so I could catch them in time.
I still have anxiety attacks when I get stressed out, however its now 5 years later and I have a wonderful new husband that helps me each time. He knows me so well he can see the attacks coming on even sooner then I notice them. Having the knowledge of the signs of the attacks and knowing your triggers can go a long way in preventing these attacks from destroying your life. It also helps having wonderful people in your life that take care of you and love you even if you disagree with them. I’m not a strong woman all the time however I don’t have to be strong all the time as I have wonderful people that love and support me in everything I do. It also helps that I love every bit of myself, all because of the strength I have found and a husband that reminds me everyday how much I’m needed, wanted and loved.