I decided to add to my income today. Many writers work day jobs. Many go to great lengths to find work compatible with their muse. I am no different. That’s when I noticed the remote control to my television. Nine hundred channels of 24/7 programming seemed like a good place to begin. News channels, travel channels, science channels and science fiction channels began to speak to me. I took a leap of faith and even considered health shows. Could Dr. Phil help? Was Dr. Oz available? Could I find work on Deadliest Catch or Dirty Jobs? Would Bonnie Hunt or Oprah Winfrey provide me with a “normal” job as I fought my storytelling demons? What about The View?
I started with Deadliest Catch. Crab fishing seemed to hold a lot of potential for me. Fresh air, strenuous workouts and the boat camaraderie in the middle of the ocean was tempting. At the end of the season, I could return home with a hefty paycheck. The rest of the year I could write like a fiend. As I watched the crews struggle to stand on a rolling ship, while being attacked by seventy-foot waves, I wondered if it was the best environment for a skinny white woman.
So I grabbed the remote and moved to Dirty Jobs. Now this was a show I could relate to. What woman does not clean foul messes? I have massive experience wiping up spilled food, vacuuming dog hair and sopping up hairballs. I am a highly skilled vomit, poop and pee technician. This might be the job for me. As I watched the crew lower Mike into an extremely small underground space to scrape brine, I had to pause. If I’m in an elevator longer than two seconds, I start to sweat and my pulse races. If I go to a standing room only Rolling Stones concert, I barf and faint. However, I could feel the creative juices welling and decided to write a proposal to clean crab ships in the harbor at the end of the season. I began my “to do” list.
Still not satisfied that I had tapped the true genius within, I kept trolling stations. I began to ask myself, “What do I LOVE doing?” I love to travel. I love to tell stories. I love to eat. I’m infatuated with ghosts. But I really, really love to travel. So I hopped onto the Travel Channel.
Binge eating while surrounded by screaming food psychopaths? Pass. Eating things I didn’t even know existed? Not me. Traveling to distance lands to eat exotic food? Tempting. But I’m already doing that. I needed something different that generated cash with no capital. I took a minute and reviewed my “love” list. Ghosts jumped out.
I spent an hour traveling back and forth between all the ghostly shows I could find. As previously mentioned, I am unable to be locked in anywhere, so I had to rule out Ghost Adventures. Ghost Hunters sounded promising. They travel and no one gets locked in against their will. However, the Roto-Rooter guys might be a problem. I don’t know squat about plumbing except for the time I glued my hand to a PVC pipe.
Most Haunted seemed very interesting. It had all my criteria: travel, history, stories and ghosts. I began to get excited. I watched as the crew heard a door slam while cursing the resident spirit. Suddenly, the team took off running, leaving Yvette behind as she yelled, “Bloody Hell! Don’t leave me alone!” Not cool. When my friend Brenda and I freak out over unexplained slamming, we beat hell out of each other, fighting to be first through the door. But at least we land outside in a group hug of crying and screaming.
I was feeling desperate. So I started thinking of Bonnie Hunt, The Oprah Show, and The View. Maybe they would have cool guests and I’d get hit with the lightning bolt of inspiration. I perused the guest lists like a piranha circling raw meat. The muse was smiling. I realized I could choose from a fried food entrepreneur, heavyweight boxing champions, and a lady who talks to ghosts.
Fried food isn’t a specialty of mine. I have a bad reputation for burning anything I fry. In fact, I’m widely known by jockeys all over the world as the cook to visit when dropping weight. Consequently, I can’t work for the inventor of Zucchini Weenies and deep-fried Mars Bars. But the heavy weight boxers and ghosts had potential.
I could call Brenda and arrange a visit to a haunted something. Our night vision camera would record when an invisible person moaned and I beat Brenda to a pulp. I would make it up to her with a fried Mars Bar. The film might go viral on You Tube. And I would be using assets I already have. I’m adding this idea to my “to do” list.
I am absolutely confidant that my research will pay off. I am ambitious. I have a logical plan and a growing “to do” list. I am a trained professional. I am focused. Oh look! “Hannibal” just came on!