Chain of Pain Aka Victim-victimizer Cycle

Quite often, when someone gets caught up in conflictual interactions with others, they join that unenviable process known as the chain of pain or the victim-victimizer cycle. Here is a classic example of how this might go.

A President of a company yells at one of his Department Heads.

Victimizer: President of the company
Victim: Department Head

The Department Head is very upset. He is feeling like a victim. He could have chosen to self-mentor himself by taking deep, calming breaths. Afterward, he could have talked things out with the Company President. Or he could have given himself a pep talk. Or he could get advice from a trusted co-worker or friend. Additionally, he could journal about it.

However, he instead chooses to continue the Victim-Victimizer cycle by taking out his frustrations on someone else. He is too afraid to take his frustrations out on the President of the Company as he hopes to get a raise or a promotion. Also, he does not want to get fired. So he yells at his Secretary.

Victimizer: Department Head
Victim: Secretary

The Secretary is very upset. She is suddenly feeling like a victim. She too could have chosen to self-mentor herself by taking deep, calming breaths. She could then talks things out with her boss. She could give herself a pep talk. She could seek advice from a trusted co-worker or friend. Additionally, she could journal about it.

However, she instead chooses to continue the Victim-Victimizer cycle by taking her frustrations out on someone else. She is too afraid to take out her frustrations on her boss as she hopes to get a raise or promotion. Also, she does not want to get fired. So she goes home and yells at her husband for no good reason.

Victimizer: Secretary
Victim: Her husband

Her husband is very upset. He is suddenly feeling like a victim. He too could have chosen to self-mentor himself by taking deep, calming breaths. Then he could have tried to talk things over calmly with his wife. He could give himself a pep talk. He could seek advice from a trusted family member or friend. He could even have suggested that he and his wife meet with a marriage counselor to help them work through their challenges in a healthier manner. Additionally, he could journal about it.

However, he instead chooses to continue the Victim-Victimizer cycle by taking his frustrations out on someone else. He is certainly not afraid to yell at his wife; however, their anniversary is coming up soon and he wants to be extra nice to her. So instead, he yells at his kid.

Victimizer: Husband of secretary
Victim: His child

The kid is very upset. He is suddenly feeling like a victim, especially if he was not doing anything wrong that might merit such condemnation. He too could have chosen to self-mentor himself by taking deep, calming breaths. Afterward, he could have tried to talk things out calmly with his father. He could give himself a pep talk. He could get advice from a trusted family member or friend. Additionally, he could journal about it.

However, he instead chooses to continue the Victim-Victimizer cycle by taking out his frustrations on someone else. He doesn’t want to yell at his father as he doesn’t want to get grounded. Plus, he was hoping to get a raise in his allowance.

So instead, the kid becomes the victimizer by kicking the dog. The dog bites the cat. The cat bites the mouse. The mouse bites the flea. Hopefully, by now, you have gotten the idea of how the Victim-Victimizer cycle or the Chain of Pain works.

So, instead of getting revenge when you feel upset or subjecting others to your feelings of stress, find some ways to self-mentor so that you can feel better.

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Editorial note: I taught for many years and attended many teacher workshops. I also had social worker friends who shared information with me. Additional, the over 500 conflict resolution students I had a year for five years shared their insights as well. I do not know a specific individual or publication to credit for some of this information. My apologies for not being able to give you a specific source.

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