You know how, in Terry Pratchett’s Hogfather, there’s an Oh God of Hangovers? Well, I firmly believe in the Oh God of Zucchini.
Even if you don’t plant any yourself, zucchini will come unto you.
By ones and by twos, by hordes and by slews, zucchini will come.
Some arrive through the vector of well-meaning, over-zuke-endowed family and friends. Some appear on your doorstep in the shadows of darkness, unwanted foundlings tossed out upon the uncertain mercy of a cold, cruel world. And if you leave two or more zucchini in one place for more than three hours, voila!, more zucchini just sort of happen. It might be mitosis.
Or it might not.
However they got to you, they are undoubtedly your problem now. You have many options. You can set your alarm way, way too early, and tote those little wanderers of the night off to someone else’s porch. Of course, while you’re gone, more will be arriving on your porch…. You can look at them, say “Bah!” in an authoritative voice, and throw them away. FWIW, most of us can’t bring ourselves to throw perfectly good food away, so this option might not work.
Gotta use ’em up. Somehow. Anyhow. And there’s a limit to the amount of zucchini bread any one person can make, eat, or even contemplate. You can search the web for recipes ’til you turn green, and you’ll still have some zucchini left over.
Here are some suggestions that don’t involved you having to cook – or eat – those spare zukes.
Suggestion the First: Boating. People often overlook the stability of a little zucchini boat. Have you a creek or river nearby? Slice a zucchini (or five!) in half lengthwise, use a spoon to scoop out the seeds while leaving the ends of the zuke intact, install a stick for a mast, and there you go! Boat races! You can even use a permanent marker to draw faces on large seeds and drop them onboard as passengers and crew. Toss rocks at them to simulate a naval battle! Watch as a duck tries to eat a zuke-boat – it’s like your own personal Godzilla movie!
Suggestion the Second: Stamping. No, I don’t mean you should stamp on the zucchini. Zucchini are usually too large and firm to make stamping on them a safe activity. But you can chop up that zuke, maybe carve the pieces a bit, and with some sort of coloring media and paper or fabric, you can stamp out interesting designs. Heck, use food coloring for the “paint” and you can give friends some temporary tattoos!
Suggestion the Third: Jewelry. Aside from the fact that some zucchini mature into gigantic marrows which can be hollowed out and worn as hats, you can make wearable art from zucchini. A slice from a large zuke can be gutted and worn as a bracelet; you could even carve or scratch designs into the smooth green skin, just for the contrast. Hack a zuke into a wild assortment of chunks, string the chunks on a cord, and you’ve got a fascinating folk-art necklace.
These are just some notions to start you on your own great adventure of zuke adaptation, Play safely, have fun, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do….