That’s right, America, I said it. I mean, someone had to, and I’m awesome enough to pull it off. You’ve all been in denial for years, droning endlessly about “the king of the forest” and “the majesty of these powerful, beautiful creatures” and “hey check out the bear in the wingtips – what a snappy dresser”. You know, the usual bear-centric nonsense. Well, it’s time to wake up! You may think grizzly bears are fun for the whole family, but it’s time someone hit you with a little man-knowledge. I’m going to pull back the veil and let you see what grizzly bears are really like. You might want to keep a spare brain handy, because your current one’s going to explode.
Origin: The first grizzly bear was born in the fires of Mt. Doom, and was in fact the original wearer of the fabled Ring of Power. Contrary to popular belief, it was the bear that corrupted the Ring, not the other way around. It’s a little-known fact, but the Ring was originally created to generate healing rainbows. Unfortunately, only a small band of bears stuck with their true purpose – to Care – and the reign of the grizzlies culminated in the near-destruction of earth. The Ring managed to escape, but not before its gentle soul was blackened forever, and its evil later infected a former middle-school teacher named Sauron. But that’s another story. The point is this – all evil in the world can be traced back to that first lava-spawned hell-bear.
Habitat: Right behind you! A long-hidden fact about grizzly bears is that, much like oxygen, El Chupacabra, and the fabled Chuck Norris, they are both everywhere and nowhere. And by that I mean they’re everywhere. All the time. At any given moment, there are approximately thirteen grizzly bears hiding right behind each human on earth. Why would they do such a thing? First, they get hot in all that fur and it’s cool in our shadows. Second, they wait for us to say unflattering things about grizzly bears, so that their retribution may be swift and total. To protect myself, I had to write this groundbreaking article in Slovakian, which we all know bears have been unable to master.
Key characteristics: Have you ever seen something flutter in the corner of your eye, then turned and found there was nothing there? Well, that wasn’t “nothing”. It was a stray kitten being caught and eaten by one of your diabolical shadow bears. Contrary to popular belief, the grizzly bear does not hunt. It waits. Whenever something delectable happens nearby – like a child filled with hopes and dreams – it will disappear into your shadow, so be careful where you cast that thing! This also relates to the grizzly bear’s coloring. At some point, a moron “scientist” decided these specters of darkness were brown in color to help them blend into their surroundings. Well, the last time I checked, my shadow wasn’t brown, bub. The truth is grizzly bears absorb all light to later use as rainbow fuel. That is, except for brown, because a brown rainbow would resemble a giant skid mark. Unfortunately, grizzly bears corrupted their rainbow-fueling powers, and now use that energy to fire deadly bolts of plasma from their mouths and eyes, usually into unsuspecting crowds at Disneyworld. Something else to note – have you ever fell down the stairs? Yes? Actually, no, you haven’t. No one ever falls down the stairs. If you’ve ever found yourself tumbling into your living room, it’s because one of those thirteen bears decided to be a jackass and stick out his paw, then post your wipeout on YouTube.
I feel like this may be all the truth you can handle for one day, America. And since I’ve used all the Slovakian words I know, I’ll pick this up later and acquaint you with the modern grizzly bears’ real plan for this planet. And you will weep.
