Hello, my name is Abby Greenhill and I am a yellow Labrador retriever. I am the most popular dog in the United States. I am known to be loyal and intelligent. I have never won the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show but my ‘people’ think I’m a winner anyway.
I have been looking for a purpose in life, other than lounging in the pool and on the sofa that is. Although that’s fun, I feel that I was born for bigger and more important tasks. Therefore, I attended college and graduated at the top of the pack with honors. College, Woof U, was difficult for me as I’m getting a little long in the tooth (the ones I still have that is!) and my attention span….wait, is that a biscuit I see on the floor over there? Oh sorry, like I was saying my attention span is quite short.
I did manage to obtain a degree in”Social and Behavioral Modifications in the Lives of Living Creatures Other Than Humans.” Learning to remember the name of the course was much more difficult than the actual course itself.
Now and in the coming weeks I fully intend to cure the world of all the problems that are not human related. I’m a lab, and I’m here to help. So I’m going to hang my shingle on the door right now – Open For Business – Helping Han.
Let’s see what problems Han is having….(click here for the full version of the questions)
A chocolate lab and a black lab want to know if I will be impartial when answering questions.
Abby says: No, of course not. I have likes and dislikes and if you ask for my opinion that’s what you get. Yellow rules! Next ….
Eddie the bulldog wants to sleep all day instead of being on guard like his owners want. Well…
Abby says: The only way I stay awake longer than necessary is when my people are putting more air in my pool tube or if someone human happens to sit on my sofa. If you want to be more active drop of few pounds chubbo!
Then there is this weirdo dog Michael who wants to get more involved in the UFC…
Abby says: Michael, I don’t have a freaken clue what the UFC is or why you want to work in the first place. Working is for humans…you think I’m getting paid for writing this lousy column? Remember that biscuit I was looking for earlier, well that’s the chump change I get.
Danny the Wiener dog – wants to know if he should be offended by being called a Weiner dog….dah
Abby says: Give it up hot dog, you little short legged dog you. As the old saying goes, “you are what you are.” You will never have long legs so enjoy life down there on the floor with all the bugs and insects.
Now some silly Whippet wants to know if there is a high school with a Whipped mascot?
Abby says: Look, I don’t have a clue, but I’ll tell you the high school my “mom” went to had a Zebra as a mascot so I guess anything’s possible. But don’t worry; I’ve never seen that question on any Trivia games!
Last and thankfully least, some silly little Mexican hairless wants to know if he should get a hairpiece…they’re coming out of the woodwork folks!
Abby says: You are asking that of a lab, a lab that has more hair than 12 dogs put together. I shed more hair in a day than you can count. Either move to a warm climate like where you came from or get yourself a pair of flannel PJ’s and say in the house -poop on the carpet if you have, but just stay warm.
Now back to my biscuit, where did I leave that thing?
Han van meegerin