Having taught many college English classes, here is my advice on how to flunk English. Or any college class.
Many English classrooms have computer and printers in them. This is for in-class writing assignments. Not for Facebook. But make sure you cruise Facebook while the teacher is lecturing. Also feel free to check your email.
Make sure you leave your phone on so it rings once or twice during class. You do not want to miss that important phone call from Obama or your doctor telling you that you have one day left to live.
Text all your friends.
Make sure you rush to class and print off your paper at the last minute. In fact make sure you do this in front of the instructor. This reassures him that you waited until the last minute to print off you paper and did not have the time to proofread it.
Don’t participate in class discussions reassuring the instructor that you have no interest in the class and did not even read the chapters assigned.
Whine and complain when you are assigned any paper over two pages.
Cut and paste your paper directly from the internet and pretend the instructor is really, really stupid and will not notice.
Always be vague in your papers. Instead of having actual numbers simply say ” A lot of people”, “Many people”, :”Everyone agrees ,” ” Most people”, “As everyone knows”, ” We all agree”… Your instructor will be dazzled by your utter lack of research.
If you are forced to give a statistic, make it as vague as possible. Simply say that “crime has increased 25 percent” Do not give any actual numbers and avoid being specific, as in stating what crimes have increased, where they have increased, why they have increased, who the crime increase affects.. In fact ignore the whole concept of “who, what, why, when, where.” You know those boring five Ws.
Even though the paper is due on Monday, buy yourself some extra time as you are special and should be treated differently than the rest of the class. Say, as if your instructor has never heard these excuses before, that your computer broke down, your printer didn’t work, your flash drive did not work, you e-mailed him the paper, and did he get it?
Always be late for class and blame the traffic, your couldn’t find a parking spot, your alarm did not go off. This makes you look like a complete idiot who can’t plan ahead and simply leave the house half an hour earlier.
Make sure that your paper contains spelling mistakes, ensuring the instructor that you do not know how to use Spell Check.
Make sure that you make basic fifth grade mistakes, like mixing up their and there and it’s and its. This will once again reassure the instructor that you are a VERY BUSY PERSON and do not have time to proof read your paper.
When another student is making a presentation, don’t pay attention. Instead do more important things like talking about the next party coming up.
Pretend that you are not really in college and always complain that the reading is too hard.
Do not learn how to write a basic thesis or topic sentence. It is so much better making your reader guess what your paper is about.
Place your head on your desk and say those early morning workouts are wearing you out. Then go to sleep.
Bring breakfast or lunch to class. Make sure you chew with your mouth open and the lunch contains something like sardines guaranteed to stink up the entire classroom.
If you have to move your chairs into a circle for a group discussion, make sure you don’t move the chair back. The teacher or the next class can move the chairs back. After all, they exist to serve you.
Do not take the IPOD earphones out.
Pretend it is not college and always ask if the paper needs to be typed.
Even though it is a ten page paper, show up in class and ask the instructor if he has a stapler. God knows you are a busy person and did not have time to find a stapler. Why pay attention to details?
Be sure you do not read your paper aloud before handing it in. This way it can be full of short, choppy sentences that makes it read like a one-note song. Can we say monotone?
Make sure you use the passive voice whenever possible. Always write The ball was hit by John. Not John hit the ball. Go for the longest, most indirect way of getting your idea across.
Act like you wouldn’t know a verb if it bit you on the butt and use is , was , have , has, got ….
Use vague words whenever possible. For instance use the word “thing” whenever possible.
Even better , to make the paper longer use “that type of thing.”
Instructors also like when you use “There are”. As in There are many people who smoke pot. It is much better than simply saying: Many people smoke pot.
Who needs paragraphs? Make sure your paragraphs run an entire page. Ignore that silly rule about topic sentences and one idea per paragraph.
Make sure that when you hand in your rough draft and final draft that there are no changes. That they look exactly the same. This always impresses the instructor with your attention to detail and your work ethic.
When asked to hand in a detailed outline, make sure you stop at half a page.
Show up every other week and promise that ” You will catch up.”