They say write what you know, so one day, while writing articles on nerdy stuff and alcohol, I realized: I haven’t written any articles about getting my ass kicked yet!
It seems so simple, almost natural–I may not be able to explain to you how to switch out a drive belt on a 2000 Chrysler Sebring, or how to play the flute with your ass (protip: use a different mouthpiece), but I can tell you how to get beaten up in any cafeteria, locker room, or gym in any high school in the country. In the first years of high school, I had a natural talent for getting knocked around, and I’m proud to pass on my knowledge to today’s new generation of socially awkward kids.
1. Tip #1: Be a little weird. In high school, I was the only kid who wore heavy metal themed T-shirts. Every. Single. Day. At least, until my Freshman year was over and I realized that I didn’t want to get my ass kicked every Wednesday after track practice. Any kids with some small, nonconformist defect is fair game for the dudes in High School that feel like picking on their underlings, so the more different you are, the harder the time you’ll have.
2. Tip #2: Concentrate on your schoolwork. There’s nothing lamer than being smart, as every bully knows, so it’ll serve you well to learn all that silly sh*t like long division and the Monroe Doctrine. When are you gonna need that? Well, any time you want to engage in intelligent discourse, but that makes you gay. And gay = weird. See tip #1.
3. Tip #3: Make friends with fellow misfits. If you really want to get your ass kicked in high school, draw a Venn diagram where one circle is your friends, and a second circle represents the people who get harassed on a regular basis. The first circle should be completely inside the second circle. Bonus points if the first circle starts to play Dungeons and Dragons while the second circle looks on contemptuously.
4. Tip #4: Do all of the stuff I just said. I realize that I used an ironic tone, but you know what? If you keep a good attitude about it, it’s really the right way to go. I own a house right now. My bullies do not. I’m self employed. My bullies are turning wrenches at the worst transmission joint in town (which I don’t go to, cause I can afford not to). For all the ass-kicking, I made great friends in high school that I still have right now. And though I hated them at the time, I realize that bullies kind of train you for the worst types of people, and you eventually realize that they’re not that bad–people, in general, just aren’t that bad.
So go, high school kids. Be weird. Be small. Say what you want. Your tormentors will regret it–if you keep a good mind about things, you never will.
Did you get the hell beaten out of you in high school? Post stories in the comments section below.