I don’t know what happened. I have been cutting my own hair since I was a kid. Last night I noticed my “do” was looking a little shabby so I thought I’d give myself a trim. I don’t like hair salons. I figure if anyone is going to screw up my hair, it’s going to be me.
I have a special mirror I use to cut the back of my hair. It’s an old wrap around the neck mirror, and I can stand with my back facing the bathroom mirror, look into my wrap around, and see what I am chopping. The wrap around is a valuable do-it-yourself haircut tool to avoid looking like you cut your hair with a lawn mower . When I placed the mirror around my neck, it fell apart. My immediate response was. “eek!” followed by “rats” and ending up with @#$%^&*#$%^. Apparently duct tape only lasts for fifteen years.
It was much later by the time I had finished duct taping my wrap around, and looking back, I really should have gone to bed. I chose to forge on, determined to successfully repair my mirror. I was done cutting the front and sides, and turned around to trim up the back. Things looked a little blurry in my mirror, but I thought it was just because I was shaky due to the lateness of the hour. I systematically cut the right side, then the left, in the same way I had for years. Done!
I fluffed my hair and took one last check, but for some reason my cut didn’t look quite right. I was a little lopsided. Jeez, that’s never happened before. I put my wrap around on again and evened myself out.
What the….? Now I was lopsided on the other side. Having vast experience in this potential snowball effect, I then decided to get a large mirror to view the back of my head to see just what the problem was.
By this time, leaning backwards over the sink was having a palsy-like effect on my back muscles. They were cemented in a half arch, causing me to strut rather than walk. I got the large hand mirror and took a peek. Yikes! How did that happen? The left side of my hair was jacked up about an inch higher than the right side. Knowing deep down I was teetering on the edge of disaster, I wrapped up again with my trusty mirror and evened the right side.
I then took the large mirror and inspected my work. Mother of God, one side of my hair was now almost up to my neck! For some reason, I took a closer look at my wrap around mirror, wanting to blame something other than my own hair cutting talents. Wow! My blurry reflection loomed back at me, enlarged several times over. I put the mirror down and picked it up again. To my amazement, each time I picked it up, the mirror flipped around. Hmmm. Well, for crying out loud. This must mean I cut the right side of my hair using the magnifying side. No wonder it was blurry…and longer.
By this time my muscles had relaxed, or should I say turned to Jell-O. I made one last feeble attempt to even out the back of my drastically shortened hair, but while leaning backward on the sink, a spasm took over and I found myself involuntarily jerking back and forth like a bobble head. My shoulders were on fire, and I couldn’t seem to squeeze the scissors completely together.
I gave up. At that point I didn’t care if I looked like Phyllis Diller. I just wanted to go to bed. I figured if anyone asked what in the world I was thinking with the new “do”, I’d just tell them I was making a statement. Funny thing was, this morning a news girl was reporting on the “Balloon Boy”. She turned around to point at something and had the same cut I had. So, I guess I’m Ok.
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