She had never had trouble quitting things. When she had decided to quit smoking, she simply crumpled up the pack and was done with it. When she decided to become a stay at home mom, she simply left her law career without a 2nd thought. So it was no surprise to her when she decided to quit life, that this too seemed easy.
She slowly walked into the room, heading for the closet shelf where her husband kept his 9mm. Pushing away the folded clothes; she grabbed the gun from its wooden case. Caressed it for a second, contemplating the power she now held over her own life, and silently closed the bedroom door.
It was her fault. Carine was gone; her baby girl was gone, because of her. Tears swelled in her eyes as she lifted the gun to her mouth.
“I hate you, I can’t believe you went through my room!” the words echoed in her head. “Carine, wait, don’t leave, I …” but her words were too late. As the door slammed, Carine was gone. The small bag of Xanax and Vicodin was still lying on the kitchen counter. She had found the drugs in Carine’s top drawer, and was waiting for her when she got home from school. “I hate you!” The searing memory of her words still haunted her. The last words Carine ever spoke to her before the accident.
The handgun’s cold metallic taste was unnerving . She wondered if this was the same taste Carine had in the hospital before her death. Her mind flashed between the sights of her battered baby laying in the ER and the twisted wreckage she was pulled out of that night. Tears flowed freely across the gun as she began to grasp the trigger.
“Mom, they were mine.” Her other daughter Clarissa admitted that night in the ER. “What, what was yours honey?” she asked unknowingly. “The pills, they were mine; Carine caught me with them yesterday and took them from me. I guess,” She hesitated, “I guess she didn’t know what to do with them.” The horror of Clarissa’s words struck her. She had blamed the wrong child, she had…she had killed Carine. The same thoughts now ran rampant through her head as she started to squeeze the trigger.
“Mom, no, don’t…!” Startled she dropped the gun. “Carine? No…it can’t be…I am sorry Clarissa. I thought you were…” She stuttered after realizing that it had to be Clarissa. The tears streamed down her face, how could she have mistaken Clarissa for Carine? Was she that desperate to see her daughter once again? The two twins had always been difficult to tell apart. The fact that Clarissa looked so much like her sister just made it worse. She avoided Clarissa when possible; it was just too painful to see Carine’s face staring back at her. “What type of mother am I?” she asked herself, “Because of me one daughter is dead, and I can’t even look at my other daughter.” She pondered the gun on the floor and the scared look in Clarissa’s eyes. “Oh honey, what was I thinking…I am so sorry.” A look of sympathy and love passed across her daughter’s face. “Promise me you won’t ever do that again.” Clarissa paused, and her voice more insistent this time, “Promise me!” “I…I Promise.” She had never known her daughter to act this way before, it was almost as if she were stepping into Carine’s shoes. Carine had always been the more domineering of the two. “I guess now that Carine is gone she is coming into her own.” She thought to herself. “What was I thinking, she needs me…she needs me now more than ever.” And with that thought she saw a smile cross her daughter’s face and tears well up in her eyes. It was almost as if Clarissa had read her mind and approved of her thoughts.
She allowed a small smile to escape as she brushed away the tears and put away the gun. “I love you mom.” Her daughter whispered. She smiled at her daughter, “I love you too, honey!” an eternity passed between them in the next few moments as they stood there smiling at each other. Their faces streaked with tears.
“Mom, I’m home.” A voice called from downstairs. “Mom, where are you?” It was Clarissa’s voice. She looked questioningly at the daughter before her, “C..CA..” she struggled to form the name, “Carine?” Her daughter smiled through the tears and shook her head yes. “It wasn’t your fault. It was my time to go.” Carine’s face filled with love. “Mom?” Clarissa’s voice echoed in the background as it got closer. “But…how?” she stammered, but Carine just smiled. “I have to go; we both have work to do. I love you, and I always will.” And with that, Carine was gone. Clarissa came bursting through the door. “Mom…Where are you…” she was shouting as her mother embraced her. “Mom? What’s wrong?””We need to talk.” And talk they did; all afternoon, and well into the night, when finally she stood up, “Well, what do you want for dinner?” She asked, once again wiping the tears away. “I don’t know.” Clarissa whispered honestly and a bit drained. “Hey, look at me…” she said lifting Clarissa’s chin. “I love you, and I am not going quit on you…hey, did you hear me?” Clarissa nodded with a slight smile. “Good, now let’s get some dinner.” Together they crossed the room to go downstairs, and she silently closed the door behind them.
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