Making breakfast in bed for your wife is one of the most romantic and charming things you can do for her. But it is a labor fraught with peril, my friend. Fraught, I say. With peril! There is no greater proof that women are treacherous, manipulative beasts bent on the subjugation of man than this idea we’ve somehow gotten into our heads that they would actually like to eat breakfast in bed. Sure, if it’s executed to perfection, they’ll enjoy it just fine. But screw it up, and hear me now, there are many, many ways in which you can screw it up, and you’ll receive that same baneful glare as when you perform less than spectacularly at certain other oral endeavors.
First off, you’ve got to ease her into breakfast in bed. If you barge in on a sleeping wife, you’re asking for trouble. I know if I wake up my wife before she’s ready, even with delicious pork products in tow, I’d be fortunate to get away with only minor facial lacerations. Actually, she’s considered a viable threat by the local authorities until well into her second cup of coffee. So give your wife time to get washed up, and if she’s like some sort of cranky newborn gerbil before her first coffee, make damn sure she gets her fix right off. Also, if she loves the comics or the crossword puzzle, bring those in with the coffee and let her ease into the morning while you get the rest of breakfast ready.
Fiddling with a cup of coffee in bed is risky business, and the slightest spill will ruin everything. Learn how she likes her coffee ahead of time, and add the cream and sugar before taking it upstairs. If she’s a tea drinker, find out what kind she wants, then prepare it ahead of time as well (but make sure, like coffee, it’s served hot). She won’t want spent tea bags cluttering up her breakfast tray. It’s okay to use a travel mug to avoid spills, or better yet, go out and get one of those wide-bottom mugs made especially for this occasion.
The Breakfast Proper
Now let’s get a handle on the whole food thing. First, to dispel a commonly held misconception: Cold cereal is not an appropriate main course for breakfast in bed. For one thing, cereal doesn’t smell nearly enough. I don’t care if your wife is a fourth-level vegan, no memorable breakfast would be complete without the delicate bouquet of sizzling pork fat. So before you do anything else, heat up a big old skillet and throw in some bacon. Then you can get to work on the rest of the meal. Relax, we’ll keep it simple.
Yes, biscuits. Trust me, they’re really easy. Preheat the oven to 450.
Combine 2 cups flour, I tablespoon baking powder, and I teaspoon salt in a mixing bowl.
Combine % cup milk and % cup oil, and then dump it all into the bowl.
Stir it up with a fork just until it all comes together. Drop six blobs of dough onto an ungreased baking sheet. Bake for about 12 minutes or until golden brown.
We’ll just go with scrambled, since there’s nothing easier. Whisk together 3 eggs, a teaspoon of salt, and a tablespoon or two of milk.
Set a skillet over low heat and melt I tablespoon of butter. When the butter starts to foam, pour in the egg mixture and turn up the heat a bit. Stir the eggs around in the skillet until they’re cooked through but not dry. Remove the eggs from the heat, and stir in a splash of milk to keep them creamy.
This one takes the least effort, and will have the greatest impact. Just slice up a bunch of chilled fruit and throw it all together in a nice bowl. To keep things easy, use fruits that require the least prep work: strawberries, grapes, bananas, apples, peaches, and pears.
You’ve got to have fresh-squeezed orange juice, but there’s nothing that says you have to squeeze it yourself. You’ll save a lot of money making your own, but it’s a royal pain in the ass. Keep in mind, if you want to make Mimosas (orange juice and champagne), just stick to the cheap stuff.
This is a key component of breakfast in bed, and something guys tend to overlook. In this case, not only do you want everything to look nice, but you’ve got to figure out how she’s going to eat everything while sitting in bed. You need to make sure you’ve either got one of those trays with the fold-out legs made for this purpose, or just use a side table and keep all the food right next to the bed. You’ll also need to find out where she keeps the cloth napkins, and don’t forget that a small vase of flowers is crucial to pulling this whole thing off. This would be a good time to consider one last time if you actually want to go through with this. If you’re beginning to realize your wife will absolutely hate the thought of biscuit crumbs and fruit salad soiling her precious bed linens, you may just want to move the whole thing to the dining room.
Finally, and most important of all, you’ve got to do all the cleaning. Leaving a sink full of dirty dishes will instantly and completely negate the positive impact of everything you’ve just done. So use the techniques from “How to Do the Dishes”, leave the dishwasher open the whole time, and clean as you go. Make sure the cups, plates, and utensils you take to the bedroom are the only dishes remaining to be cleaned after breakfast. Then, when she’s all finished, just clear everything from the bedroom, put it all in the dishwasher, and you’re done.
The whole thing was a ton of work, but if you followed these guidelines and did everything right, you should now be the deserving recipient of a few oral endeavors from her: a sincere “thank you” and a big, wet smooch.