In her now-famous rant What to Do When Frank Mucci Steals Your AC Article Idea, Maria Roth challenged me with five article topics. I met the challenge on two of those topic suggestions and I will now tackle a third one.
Here is this challenge exactly as Maria presented it in her article:
“Religous” Christmas Crafts. Yeah, I stole this one-typo and all-from the AC Assignment Desk. AC will pay you $2.75 for this article, Frank. You better include pictures and cite all your sources and make sure you proofread your work, okay? I think “religous” crafts have something to do with Godd and Jesis and The Bibble. Be creative.
I’m sure Maria thought this one would be difficult for me, but what she didn’t realize is that I am a real, honest-to-goodness ordained minister of some church I found on the Internet-the name escapes me right now. I can actually marry people and make up crap about the afterlife and pretend I know what God wants us to do. I also happen to be quite the artsy-craftsy kind of guy. Therefore because I am both deeply “religous” and deeply crafty, I spend every holiday season coming up with new ideas for “religous” Christmas crafts.
This year I have developed two wonderful “religous” Christmas craft ideas that are sure to give you and your family a couple minutes of fun! With Christmas just around the corner, there’s little time to waste, so get the youngsters together and start working on these crafts. And remember: if it looks like crap, blame your kids.
Inverted Baby Jesus Snowman
Nothing says the holiday season like a snowman and nothing says “religous” like Baby Jesus. So nothing says pure genius like combining the two into one delightful decoration.
Toilet paper cardboard spool
Get a Baby Jesus from an old nativity set you have laying around the house. If you don’t have one, steal a Baby Jesus from a nativity scene display at Wal-Mart. Screw Wal-Mart-bastards have enough money. Glue two large cotton balls together. Glue the Baby Jesus on top of one of the cotton balls. Create a top hat for your snowman out of a toilet paper cardboard spool, and then paint it black. Glue the top hat to the Baby Jesus. Paint black buttons on the cotton balls. Because the weight of the Baby Jesus far exceeds that of the cotton balls, you will find that your snowman will be too top heavy. No problem! Simply invert the finished product and you will have a Christmas decoration your friends will be talking about behind your back for years to come.
Fun Tip: For a more realistic presentation, replace the cotton balls with real snow and Baby Jesus with a real baby!
Santa Nativity Scene
What better way to get your kids interested in the true meaning of Christmas than by having Santa visit the manger. After all, it’s Christmas! Forget the three wise men-have jolly old Saint Nick deliver gold, frankincense and myrrh…and maybe some Legos to Baby Jesus.
Cheap-ass Nativity Set
Cheap-ass Santa’s Sleigh with Santa and Reindeer
First take the three wise men and toss them across the room. You won’t need them because delivering gifts to Baby Jesus is Santa’s job! Take the cheap-ass Santa’s sleigh with Santa and reindeer that was made by 5-year-old girls in a sweatshop in Taiwan and glue the damn thing to the top of the manger from the cheap-ass Nativity set that was made by 7-year-old kids in a sweatshop in Bangladesh. Note: if your manger comes with an angel positioned atop the roof, you may have to fling him across the room too-Santa needs his space. Paint the pine cone green and place it in the corner of the manger. After all, every home needs a Christmas tree! Fashion a little sack out of a condom. Paint a Cheerio gold and stick it in Santa’s sack. Don’t worry about the frankincense and myrrh-nobody knows what the hell they are anyway. Throw in a couple of Legos to fill out the sack and you are all set!
Fun Tip: For added beauty, use a ribbed condom for Santa’s sack!
Note to Associated Content: Rather than adding $2.75 to my PayPal account, I would prefer to be paid in large bills (ones and quarters please).
Sources: The Complete Book of “Religous” Christmas Crafts for the Mentally Challenged, Volume II (1956)