The little guy stayed home from school today. Before everyone sprays their computer screens with disinfectant, no, he doesn’t have swine flu. At least I don’t think he does, although I am keeping him at a mop’s distance, just to be sure. The reason I don’t think he has it is because he’s out in the kitchen now, singing the Star Spangled Banner, watching a Mel Gibson movie, and eating a banana.
The kids don’t stay home often since I retired. I make them stay in bed except to take nourishment, if they’re well enough to make it downstairs. It is understood that they cannot miraculously recover at 2pm to go out and play with their friends. Sometimes I make them read a story and then I give them a test. I tell them I need to check their memory to be sure they don’t have encephalitis.
When the little guy is done eating, he will have to come in the living room with me, wrap up in a blanket, and watch the news. I could tell he was pretty excited about that by the way he latched on to his mother’s leg this morning, begging her not to leave him.
There is nothing new about a kid faking an illness to get out of school. Heck, I did it a few times, but I was smart about it. These kids have no originality. When I pulled a sick out, I made sure I had a headache or a stomachache. Who could argue? These things could also disappear quickly should the need arise. The last time this bright brain stayed home, he told me he had a broken arm. These are the future leaders of this country.
Another time, the middle child said she had a temperature of 108 degrees. I asked her how she knew that, and she said, “Feel my forehead!” I went over and felt her forehead. I made a few doctor-like sounds and felt her neck glands, going back several times to an imaginary problem area. Finally, she says, “What’s wrong? Have I got something wrong?” I hesitated and then hugged her, telling her not to worry. It was probably nothing. I mentioned something about glandapoxia and she ran upstairs to call her mother.
My niece didn’t think my ruse was very funny when she came screaming home from work to take the kid to the emergency room. I told her she was over-reacting and reminded her about the time I diagnosed her with yakulitis. She was driving me crazy when she was about seven years old, asking all kinds of questions, while home sick with a cold. I told her she had yakulitis and she thought she had caught some terrible disease at the zoo. She cried for a couple of days. Sheesh. Wimps.
Well, the kid wants lunch and its only 9:30. I asked him why he really stayed home from school today. Obviously it had nothing to do with his stomach. He told me he had a weally weally bad headache when he woke up this morning, but by the time Mel Gibson killed the bad guys it was gone. I told him that was odd. Mel Gibson usually gives me a headache. He thought that was funny. He’s a good kid. He’s smartened up some, too.
He wants a hamburger, and I’m going to make him one now. I’m sure when we’re watching the news someone will be reporting the newest e coli hamburger scare in Maine. Heh,heh,heh.
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