Look, I know you’re a busy guy, so I’ll try to keep this brief considering that I haven’t written you in almost 20 years and I’m a grown woman just trying to fulfill a writing assignment at the last minute. Why I never asked you for a procrastination cure is beyond me.
Actually, that sounds like a good place to start. Can I please have the cure for procrastination? I could research the subject myself in self-help books and whatnot, but that’s yet another form of procrastination, isn’t it? Besides, I know you always wrap your presents in such delightfully colored paper. And in these economic and green times, I can recycle that wrapping paper to rewrap another gift that I’m giving someone else. Yes, I got that from my grandma. She tells me you told her to do that during the War. Well, we’re still wrapping our presents in the same wrapping paper we do every year, thanks to you. It’s starting to get creased and folded, though, so we’re due for another batch. If you can spare a couple extra rolls of wrapping paper when you drop off my procrastination cure, I would greatly appreciate it.
Another thing on my list is job fulfillment. I would like for you to help me find a job that lets me do what I love, or at least not make me want to poke my eyes out on a daily basis. I know there’s an economic crisis going on, and millions of people would be grateful for any job, but I tried that route and I almost wound up in a mental hospital. So please, Santa, if you can’t give me a job that’s enjoyable, at least help me get me one that’s bearable.
Come to think of it, you’re not hiring, are you? If you are, may I offer myself to you as your personal assistant. I’m a whiz at organizing, training, customer service, letter correspondence, and elf management. And I am used to dealing with highly confidential information, so you can rest assured that all your trade secrets are safe with me.
Now, lest you think I’m a selfish person (which from past experiences, you know that I’m usually not), I’d like to request assistance for the rest of jobless Americans too. Because, as you know, Santa, employed parents mean busy retail stores, which means more and more presents that come from you. So, if you could do something about the unemployment rate in this country, that would be great too.
And while we’re at it, can you please make sure every hungry child in this world has a meal to eat on Christmas Day? Imagine what that would do for world peace efforts. And no, I am not going to ask you for world peace. You’re a saint, not a miracle worker.
But since you are Saint Nick, can I ask you for an intercession with the big guy? There are tons of pictures of you kneeling by the manger, so we know you’re a Christian. So if you could ask baby Jesus to bring with Him world enlightenment and peace this year, that would complete my Christmas list.
Thanks for your time, Santa. I hope that I’m still on your “Nice” list. But if I’ve been “Naughty” (and I know I have), I hope you’ll still consider giving me my Christmas wishes this year.
Warmly and sincerely,