I was talking about my time for pregnancy in a previous article. I was on my left side all of the time, as ordered facing the wall. You would think being in the hospital for all those months they would have put my back against the wall, but that did not happen ever. I never had control of the television it was always for a guest that was quickly going to be leaving. I remember Credence Clearwater Revival was doing a show on television. I was listening thinking what am I going to name this child. Suddenly the band was singing Amy their new song. I kept listening to it. They were singing I think I could stay with you for a while maybe longer if I knew. I keep falling in and out of love with you. I remember this very clear, as I was thinking A little me. A me was not growing very much inside of me. I had toxemia very badly. I full of poison. I was always being tested and always being monitored I could not get a soul to push me in a wheelchair to go call my parents to let them know what was going on. I figured they knew no news was good news. I was on bed rest totally. I was surprised to see any man come in the room for me at all. Unless It was a Sergeant trying to do his job saying that I would be sent to Germany, as soon, as I was out of the hospital. I was thinking sure I will knowing I was very sick and could not go to Germany. Still he was persistent trying to get me to sign the papers. I kept telling him no and he would get mad and leave. It was April 8, 1982 and late in the evening. I was on my side when a doctor entered my room. He was a white haired man. He was very quiet, as he spoke with me whispering in order to not wake the other girls. He put the stethoscope to his ears and listened very carefully then he sighed. He sat on the end of my bed I made room for him and I leaned in to hear. He was whispering to me you know I think we should go in and take this baby out of you it is no longer growing and I am afraid if it is inside you one more day that it will not live. I corrected him with she. He smiled at me and I told him her movement had been slowing down. This very kind and patient Doctor was doing all in his power not to alarm me. He was not telling me everything. I knew the procedure. He was trying to give me hope and not let me feel I did not have a chance to hope, as he was telling the Nurses a very different story. I remember him saying that she would be very small, but their might be a chance if we took her out and kept her in the nursery for a while under close observation. I would be able to go there and see her. She may be in there quite some time. He told me that we would try natural with a drip first and see if I would dilate this early. He was just giving me things to do with my mind thinking I might be nervous or going to worry or be upset. I told him it was fine to go ahead and do, as he knew would be the best thing. I trusted this man for some reason and I know it was his voice very soft and very petite man himself. I do not know why or how, but soon after this my husband came into my room. There was no telephone in there. I told him they want to take the baby tomorrow and maybe I should go call my parents. He got a wheelchair and pushed me to the end of the hall. The telephone was right beside the nursery. I felt safe enough with him right there, as long as I could see other people around I would be fine with him pushing me. He put on a good show in public. Behind closed doors it was different. He put money in the telephone I knew he had some I smelled the bar all over him. I kept wondering why was he there? I had a feeling when I saw him it must be bad. The phone was starting to ring. My mother answered the phone and I told her I had been in the hospital since my first check up and tomorrow they were going to be taking my child and she freaked out and started screaming why did you not tell me till now. I told her I had been on bed rest and I was not supposed to even be out of bed and I had to get back in the room very quickly just letting her know all that was going on. I explained there were no telephones in the room and I had snuck out to call her. I would call her tomorrow after the surgery. Then I had to call my Father last, because my mom would upset me and I needed to let him know and he could soothe me with his kind voice. Daddy said he would be praying for me. I told my husband to take me back to the room. Thank God he listened to me once. Maybe he was drunk and just trying to have something to hold himself up. I did not ask him any questions. His fake smile on his face just gave it all away. I suppose he had been told something very bad and he was trying to be cheerful. I was just glad when he left. I always was glad when he had to work and I was off. We were always missing each other with our conflicting schedules. I knew he had done nothing for the baby in the home as far as a bed for the child and I just learning of this pregnancy and all the emotions of wanting out of the marriage and all the abuse to stop. I was just trapped there. I remember a new IV being started and down the hall to another room I was whisked away. This very tiny room I was in was some kind of waiting room for pregnant women. Maybe even a supply closet. I was instructed that soon I may start feeling some contractions and I should let them know when this happened. I had no idea what a contraction was I figured I would know it if I had one? I started contracting and the baby was getting ready for birth, but nothing was happening. Just little contractions nothing else. Finally they stopped it after a few hours and said it just was not working. All I could feel was tightness and then normal. The Surgeon came into my room and said it was time and I asked him if he could just clip out some of the scar tissue from the kidney surgery I had as a child and try to lessen that scar while he was in there maybe it would not be two inches wide if he clipped it off and he agreed yes he would do this and it would work for me, as I though having new skin to seal together and not scar tissue. I suppose he was wondering how I got my information I am not sure, but he agreed and did everything I asked him to do. As far as the incision and fresh tissue was concerned and he was nodding his head in agreement to do this for me. I was wondering why was my husband there he kept doing silly stuff like wearing the potty tray on his head as a hat and just being ridicules. I suppose he was nervous or drunk. I had no clue why he was wasting his time at my side now when he could be at the bar. I just wished he would leave and he would not. I suppose this was his way of getting off work. He should have went to the bar. I would have preferred it. He was not a nice person, but with the nurses around he would not try and kill me in there. I tolerated him until they finally asked him to wait outside. I was thanking them for doing this. I suppose my blood pressure was rising. Now I was able to relax and concentrate. They started stringing up new bags to my tubes these were different ones I noticed. I commented about it must be getting closer to time. Then I closed my eyes in silent prayer. I was in the Operating room and the anesthesiologist was saying count back from ten. That mask was nasty I remember the smell. Then after a while I could hear talking. OH GOD it was the husband again. Trying to make me wake up. I told him no and he should go and leave me alone. The recovery room nurse came over and was doing my blood pressure again saying how high it was. I told him I was in pain and it had been high for a long time maybe he should peek at my chart. I announced to him pain will make your blood pressure high, so give me something for pain. My husband was still talking just open your eyes. No I would not I did not want to see those bright lights I could see them fine with my thin eyelids closed. Why would I want to suffer more pain than I was already in and he should be quiet and leave me now. Soon I was in my room the same ward. It was eleven o’clock at night. I could not imagine what took so long. It was almost two PM. when I was going in. This was ten hours later. I had not seen a baby. I was too afraid to ask. All I could feel was empty. At least every one was asleep and could not see me suffer. I tried to rest and was totally miserable and suddenly the light was shining in the door. It was my mother and my father. They were together. This must be a dream I told myself. I had not seen them together in so long I could not believe it was real. I remember the tall nurse was letting them sneak in. They were whispering to me and I was in, so much pain but I kept it to myself. They could see. My mother could hardly look at me? She kept turning her back. Then she would turn around and say we will be back to see you tomorrow. They were forced away. I did not even get to ask them about the baby. I fell asleep and when I woke I was in terrible pain. I said to my self get up and walk to the bathroom. I did and nearly froze to death before I could get back to my bed. I buzzed the nurse for more blankets. My teeth were chattering and I could not get warm. I knew this must mean fever and the nurse must have been doing something else was very nasty when she threw a blanket on me and quickly went back to the phone. I buzzed her again she came back and said what is it? I suggested maybe you should take my temperature. I was freezing. She did her mouth fell open and she ran out of the room and down the hall. I just wanted more blankets. I never ever buzzed ever, before and This was only the second time I ever had touched that buzzer. Soon the little white haired man was in my room and I was chattering away with my teeth. I could not hold a thermometer in my mouth. I got a different kind. I also got it under the arm. The nurse was hovering all over me now and I thought great now you are going to help me now that there is a Doctor watching. I did not realize she did run and call him and get him to me she did not mention any numbers and I was wanting to know. I was given a shot of something then they got me from freezing to very hot I started kicking the covers off and sweating. Still no mention of a baby or temperature. I was sure that was what I was having, because I had had them before. Finally I got a moment to ask how high is my temperature. The Doctor told me it was 105.6. This explained to me why the nurse ran, so quickly out. I had to know I said where is my baby I was feeling so empty inside like something was missing. He said to me you can not see the baby. You are way too sick. You have to concentrate and rest and get well. Then he went on to say remember I told you she would be small. Yes I did remember that. I said I want to see her they all knew I did but they were not letting me even go to the nursery to look through a window at this point. My parents arrived after breakfast and I was on strike no appetite at all blisters all over my lips from the high fever. I told my parents I was still alive to come in and they could neither one really look at me. I could tell my mother had been crying again. My Father talked about other things to keep me calm, as he always did. Calming voice he could speak if he wanted to and always with me he always did. I could tell he was fidgety though. My Mother would be looking out the window hiding her tears from me and I could not get out of the bed I was all tied up with Iv’s again more than I could get out of the bed without becoming entangled. Maybe soon they would untie me from this bed I had been in for months. I was not sure if I should, but I wanted to, so badly to ask about the baby, but there was tension in the air. instead I said did you see the Moose out there and the Bear? Yes this was a good subject the weather and animals wildlife. It got my father talking lighter. Lunch came and I refused I could not think about this not knowing about anything of my child. Finally I asked my father had he seen her. He said yes, but they will not let us hold her. I was, so upset they would not tell me anything or let me see her at all. Surely they had to be telling someone. I suppose they had to I could hear whispering in the hall a lot. Especially when every one was asleep. Dinner came and I was still striking no I was not going to eat I did not want to see any food I did want to see my child. The nurses got tired of hearing this I am sure. I had a dietitian come in from the lunch room to speak with me about my refusal to eat. I explained I am just not hungry at all. I will drink alright. She brought me some extra juices. I asked her for Ice chips. I received that to put on my blistered lips. Every day she would be back to ask what will you eat today? I would always tell her I am not hungry at all the smell of food just makes me sick. She told me you have to try. What if I go make you a sandwich. I said if you insist go ahead and I will try. I could not even bring it close to my nose and the poor little man that made it for me even came up to see me. He was blown away that he made me such a hunk of a sandwich any man would be very happy with. He looked at me and then started talking about male breast feeding? I said alright to myself nodding my head when he was talking. He must have wanted to breast feed a child or been reading some science fiction I am not sure why he was there. I was letting him ramble though. I suppose they told him I never had visitors and I sure did not want to see one now. My lips were full of blisters from the fever and they had not figured to dry them out during this era they were keeping them moist. This was making things worse like my appetite loss. Every evening I would get worse. My parents would come back and forth and come and go I had no Idea they only had a few minutes to visit and I was only allowed a few moments. The curtain stayed pulled and I stayed in my corner until that afternoon. A private room came open for me. I had a new nurse come in to talk to me begging me please you have to eat can you start eating something. I said when I am hungry I would try to eat. She started talking food. She was telling me I had not eaten in almost a week and I would continue to get weak if I did not try. Would I be able to start with this or that naming things and I would say no she said what about cereal? I stopped and though I said ok bring me some maybe it will not smell maybe I can get it past my nose. She quickly ran and got me some and I did try my best to eat it and she brought more. I could not finish it. I tried I could eat two bites maybe. I just was not hungry. I was, so empty with no baby I just had an empty whole. That afternoon they pushed a glass box into my private room. I got to look, but not touch this little frail looking lifeless looking baby doll. She was, so tiny. I suppose it was a reward for trying to eat something. I was having sponge baths and I was, so very weak my little candy striper came to me while my mother was visiting. She said would you like to go to the shower I said I would, but I was not able to make it this far yet I had tried. She got a wheelchair and wheeled me down. I was, so weak I could not even bath myself all I was doing was freezing. Tubes in my arms were back flowing and it was just yuck. I could not open shampoo. This young girl took my rag that was tangled in my hand and Iv and started washing me. I could not do it. I wanted to, but I was freezing this fever was back I was hardly able to raise my arms. I knew it I could feel it I felt, so faint very weak. It was a quick dry off and back into the bed at least I was gone long enough to have my bed changed. I felt clean when I got back with my fever. I was thinking again wondering if I would ever get to really see if this was a baby or a baby doll. Was it my baby or were they just showing me someone else’s baby? I had to know the truth and they kept me knocked out a lot. Keeping me from holding my baby. It was about two weeks when I started eating a whole sample size box of cereal. My fever was over by then and I suppose, as a reward they brought me my baby I never should have looked at her, I wished they had never shown her to me now it was too much to bare I should have never looked, because at that moment I was holding her she was, so tiny I fell in love right away so small and hairless even her eyelashes were not there yet. My parents walked in I said, Isn’t she beautiful? My mother said, no and started making a joke about a chin job I told my mother she would grow her own. I was totally offended, but I kept it to myself. This baby was not getting out of my sight. The nurse came back to get her and I said no let me keep her I was begging. One nurse said well alright, but you have all these Iv’s and you need to rest too. I told her I would watch her very carefully and feed her and bathe her. I knew I could do this. I fixed a pillow in between my legs. I put it over my blanket with my feet to lift the head trying not to pinch off my Iv’s. I would hold my arm straight and lifting her head with my toes, so she could be fed one handed. She was, so small that I was afraid to break her. It took a few times and I was a pro at gently picking her up in my condition which at best was poor. It got to be a habit for me to keep her as long as I could get away with them not taking her from me. She was my reason for living. They soon realized that I was eating all my cereal. Drinking juice and feeling like I could brush my hair and do all by myself. They would come and demand her back for weight checks and head count and I would have to let her go back unwilling. Soon I will keep her all day I knew I would have energy soon. Anytime I had my child with me I knew I wanted her. I would get up and maneuver my tubes around to close the door a bit for privacy and I would feed my baby. Her little bottle was as big as my finger and the little nipple made the norm look huge. She was a sleeper all the time sleeping and growing. She was gaining 2 ounces per day. She pulled out of all this and was growing I was sick still. I was still trying to take care of my baby any way. She got up to five pounds before I could get well so they kept her in the hospital for me. This way I could get well. They kept trying to get her back to the nursery and I did not want her there. The Doctor came in and told me that I would need to stay in the hospital some more. I just started to cry my parents had come and gone and I wanted to see them. The nurse said Dr. She has been feeding the baby and taking care of it with all these tubes in her. She keeps the baby all day with her. He was surprised and said alright but I need to see you back next week. I was being wheeled out the door and another Dr ran to me and told me I observed your surgery and there is something you should know it is about your kidneys and I was slipped out and I really wanted to hear what he was saying, but my husband kept pushing me in that chair. I suppose the Dr. would not come out and tell me his name. Now that I was out I remembered I did not want to be around this man. Maybe he would leave. I got back home and back upstairs to the living room and rested for a bit before climbing the second set of stairs. He was not leaving, but I kept wishing he would. I missed my parents and I did not get to say good bye to them I wanted to call them. I called and told them I had come home. My mother was surprised. She was told we never would live through the week. She did not expect to hear from me again nor the baby, but here we were calling. I suppose she was expecting to be told that I was dead and instead she was speaking with me. She sure sounded different. Maybe that was why. Soon I started climbing the second set of stairs I never would let my husband hold the baby I was afraid of him hurting her. I got the bassinette and placed it beside my bed and kept an eye on my baby this way. The baby never woke during the night any more. I slept the full night I woke suddenly and peeked at my baby and she was gone. I panicked. I went down stairs and I could hear my husband talking and he was holding up my little baby by the skin of her stomach I screamed at him to give me my baby. He continued holding her and I was screaming for him to give her to me and he turned around and drop kicked my baby against the wall. I slid down with her I could not believe that she was gone as long as it took for me to keep her safe. If only I had not wanted out of that hospital so desperately we would still be together.