I am not here to bash Starbucks. Nooooo. Me likey Starbucks, Caribou and all other Starbucks-like entities. But in these days, where time is of a venti-sized essence, I find it necessary to talk to you about the unwritten rules of proceeding through the coffee shop line in a timely and courteous manner. This will ensure that caffeine is infused into patrons bloodstream as quickly as possible.
Rule #1: Keep your order simple and understandable
Sources close to me, so close in fact, that they are me, claim that as the economy improves, customer’s orders at coffee shops become more complex as they start again to feign wealthiness. This is clearly evidenced when they pay $4 for a carmel mookinaka.
I just made that up. There’s no such thing as a carmel mookinaka. Still, people make stuff up when I get behind them in line. Maybe it’s just me, but today, I heard a guy order a carmel Al Pachino.
So, yeah coffee dude, you’re smart and sophisticated. But for everyone else’s sake, please consider the difference in resources consumed when you order:
- a grande pumpkin spice latte (quite the scrumptious little concoction)
- a grande hot decaf triple five-pump non-fat no foam whipped cream extra hot upside down extra frothy extra liquidy Holstein-milked herbacide-free pumpkin spice latte
See the difference? The latter takes an extra five minutes to for the coffee shop employee to interpret and transcribe on to the cup and make exactly to your oder. If you can really appreciate the difference, then go for it. But please realize there are people behind you who are suffering from extreme caffeine deficiency. Maybe when the line is long, it might be a good time to try the first order, just to recalibrate your sophisticated palette and reconnect with what you didn’t like about being ordinary. Do this especially when you are ahead of me.
Thanks a latte.
Rule #2: Discover info about coffee somewhere else
Also, as patrons of Starbucks become more familiar with spending $4, they seek more knowledge about their beverages. And, as an educator, I am glad for them. But, part of me also thinks they are just showing off. Starbucks has a very informative web site. Here, you can find out if the coffee beans were actually grown and hand-picked by Rwandan refuges named Sentwali. You could order your coffee quickly, fire up your laptop and discover this the same way I did. But maybe you prefer to prove your status as a coffee-drinkin’ Renaissance man and ask these questions in person. Please be forewarned, this might make people want to kick you in the shade-grown beans.
Rule #3: Give the barristas some space
For God’s sake, please don’t stand right next to the pickup counter and stare at the person who is working on your drink, scrutinizing their every move. They are steaming milk, it’s a pretty simple process. And, you can be rest assured that the temperature of your lactose-laced lava liquid with be raised to an appropriate temperature. Also, while you are standing there, blocking the counter with your bulbous ass, others are forced to reach around or past you to get the beverage which you just breathed all over.
Rule #4: Don’t mess with the barristas
Because people’s orders have become so complex, they ask your name and they write it on your cup. Me, being ever the aspiring comedian, enjoyed to have fun with this process. One time, I was R2D2! But another time, I saw the error of my ways…
I placed my order and when asked for my name, I gave the nice unsuspecting person the phony name “Dick”. When my drink was ready, the attractive female barrista called out my drink…
“Grande Mocha for Dick”
I giggled a little and was too embarrassed to go get it. A little more time passed by…
“Grande Dick!”, she called again. This time everyone’s head jerked around. After another minute or two…
“I’m looking for Dick!”, She yelled.
Just then, about six guys stormed the counter and I couldn’t gain access to my delicious beverage.
That didn’t really happen. But, it could have.