We all know how important it is to get that coveted first date. What many of us don’t know, however, is why we’re not getting that first date. Many of us, myself included, have tried to get dating advice from family, friends, the media, and so on. What I’ve learned, is that you can’t rely on any of them. Here are my top twenty tips for landing your dream date:
1. Under no circumstances are clothes with holes allowed. This includes holes made by you or the manufacturer. It’s not cute, and it’s not what grown ups do. Knock it off!
2. Do not “kinda, maybe” ask someone out on a date. What, are you not sure if you want to go?
3. Please shower. No greasy nails, hair, or skin. I would rather smell our potential dinner, not your wretched body odor.
4. Be honest about your kids and be up front. I want to know this information. Hiding it just makes it look like you’re hiding something or that you’re ashamed that you have them. On the same note, don’t talk to much about your kids. Our whole conversation at dinner shouldn’t be about how Johnny got a pea stuck in his nose.
5. Don’t discuss your money problems with me. We’re on step #1, not about to get hitched. Save it for your financial advisor.
6. Do not bring your mother. I know you think that it’s cute, but it’s really not. I might meet her later, but if you bring her to our first date, I definitely won’t be meeting you later.
7. Men- Always pick up the bill on the first date. Also, pick it up as soon as the waiter brings it to you. Not doing this makes it look like you’re too cheap to pay for dinner and that you’re hoping that your date will pick it up. Trust me, she knows what you’re doing. While we’re talking about the tab, do not dissect it. Unless the dinner is $50 above what you have in your pocket, it will just make you appear to be cheap. The waiter won’t appreciate it and neither will your date.
8. Fast food dates are unacceptable. You already know why.
9. Women- Do not blame your appearance on your kids. If you cared at all about this date, you can make the effort. It makes it look like your kids control you.
10. Please call if you’re going to be late. It’s a common courtesy that should be extended to everyone.
11. Do not overdo the perfume or cologne. Your date might throw up.
12. Also, brush you’re teeth before you head out. There’s nothing more distracting than mouth litter.
13. After the date, do not not blow up the other person’s phone. It makes you look desperate. While we’re on this subject, do not blow up the other person’s phone before the date, either. That’s grounds for a no- show.
14. Do not wear your wedding rings. Duh.
15. No, unless I express an interest, I don’t want to see five million pictures of your cat.
16. Do not bring me a stuffed animal to our first date. It’s only friend territory from there. No drawings from your kids, either.
17. Do not make off color jokes. I can already picture your life outside of this date.
18. I don’t want to see the tattoo on your cheek. You know which cheek I’m talking about. Even if it is my name, I know how to spell it.
19. Do not be a push- over or be super controlling. That’s why I’m not married now.
20. I love confidence.