You don’t really want the job, but you have been out of work for quite a while and your parent or partner is insisting (as is the Unemployment Office where you have been told you must bring evidence of trying to find work or your benefits will be stopped) that you go out and try. So, you have to go – and you need to be able to attest that you went to an interview. What you do there, however, is not apt to be formally documented by anyone!
There are many kinds of jobs. Some are called “White Collar,” meaning that they are jobs done by people who, traditionally, wear pressed shirts and maybe even ties to work (if men) or skirts, blouses or pant suits (if women) and who, no matter what their gender, do not usually do anything that might get their hands dirty.
White-ollar jobs are not necessarily, as is sometimes assumed, professional positions requiring higher education or specialized training or experience. The hands and clothing stays clean and that is what makes them “white collar.” There are white collar jobs at all levels – senior management, middle management and worker bee. They all have clean hands and clean shirts or blouses.
Then, there are jobs generally classified as “blue collar” jobs. This category is also quite broad and distinguished in that those who hold Blue Collar jobs get their hands and often their clothing dirty as they do their work. White Collar workers handle paper and computers while the Blue Collar workers handle pretty much everything else. They tend to be the people who really know how to fix things that most of us wish we had the skills to do ourselves.
Few people ever aspire to become “White Collar” workers for any reason other than that it 1) may pay more (because salaries are usually determined by the people with the clean hands) of because such a job might 2) lead to the opportunity to meet someone else who earns a living without having to come home needing to hit the shower first thing.
The interesting (and important) thing to remember is that no matter what kind of job you are applying for, White or Blue Collar, there are some tried-and-true techniques you can use to assure that you are not offered it. They will work to prevent you from being offered either variety of job and they are as follows:
1) Be sure not to bathe or shower for at least a week prior to the interview. It also helps to chew a clove of raw garlic on the way into the interview. Smile, by all means, and answer the interviewer’s questions as completely and as honestly as you can. No matter what you say or how wonderful your documented experience and training is, you will never be offered this job.
2) Be certain to speak much louder than is necessary during the interview. In fact, plain old shouting is a very successful strategy in discouraging potentially interested employers. While being sure to keep your voice raised, pepper what you say with frequent obscenities and rude references to inferences you make about the parentage and heritage of the interviewer. You will never see that person again.
3) Hand the interviewer a few pieces of paper indicating that these are your references from past employers. These pages should be smeared with something at least as off-putting as mud or old cat food – or worse, if you have the stomach to carry around something far more foul in your pocket.
At this point, the interviewer, unless s/he is totally out of their mind, may inquire as to whether or not you really are interested in the position you are there to talk about, (Right, not all employers are categorically stupid) in which case, you assure the person that you are and were told by others that this company was less concerned with outer appearances than are the hiring staff of many of their less successful competitors, This may cause the interviewer to balk – momentarily.
4) Be sure to make some specifically pejorative reference to the interviewer’s appearance, odor and/or heritage. Nothing works quite so well and quite as quickly as the old fashion personal insult. While it may seem cartoonishly rude to begin a comment to the potential employer with something like, “Yo mama sure do know how to treat a stranger nice!”, you might get away with a slightly less explicit remark like, “I think my mother went to school with your mother … upstate at that special place for girls in trouble.”
Even people who do not like their own mothers tend to take umbrage when someone else suggests that they may be morally flawed.
5) NEVER arrive on time. If you are scheduled for a 10AM interview, do not enter the building until at least 10:30 that morning. That may be all there is to it. You know – You got stuck in traffic, took a wrong turn, had trouble finding a parking place, etc. This is the adult version of “The dog ate my homework.” Most businesses don’t want to hire people they can’t depend on. Under no circumstances do you want to do anything that will suggest that you are (dependable!)
6) Before leaving, make it a point to knock something that is obviously breakable off the person’s desk or shelf. It is unlikely that their company is in the market for a Klutz. Just to be doubly certain, never apologize. Just look up at the interviewer (who is probably trying to avoid shaking your hand), look sheepish and quietly say “Whoops.” Interview over – No job.
For bonus points and insurance, do a little homework about the company and get everything you are asked about it deliberately wrong. Most places are not interested in people who don’t want the job badly enough to prepare for the interview and cap it all off be making certain to ask about the salary, benefits, and paid time off allowances before the interviewer has a chance to tell you his/her name.
That’ll do it. Honest! It doesn’t matter whether you have gone to interview for a White or a Bluer Collar job. You can go home and honestly report that you went to the interview but that you got the feeling that the interviewer did not like you. You are not expecting to be offered the job and are disappointed about it. Lie through your teeth.
If you can keep it up, you may lose the companionship of your partner or the support of your parents, but you will never get hired into gainful employment again. Living in a refrigerator box might not be too bad if the climate is right.