Chris: Though I was not alive 40 years ago, I have paid enough attention to my TV set to know that July 20 marked the anniversary of the day when Lance Armstrong first rode his bicycle on the moon.
Brad: Lance is da man! “Live strong!” Haha, come on, who can seriously bet against this guy? I’ve heard he has double the lung capacity of the average human being. Well, most people . . . Joe might have Lance on that one, as long-winded as our good ole buddy is. Though, I don’t think we have to worry about Joe hoppin’ on a two-wheeler and biking the mountains anytime soon, so you can rest easy, Mr. Armstrong.
Joe: Riding a bike isn’t hard. Heck, my grandkids can do it for crying out loud. The hardest part about riding a bike is that it gets uncomfortable after awhile. That’s the only thing that kept me from being a world-class cyclist. I’m old. And gravity isn’t kind.
Chris: Scuttlebutt around my household is that shopping for a bicycle is even more recondite than pedaling one. (I just said “recondite.”) I have become intimately familiar with Target and Wal-Mart sales pages these past few weeks, attempting to locate the destination of a comfortable bike seat that pleases my wife.
Joe: Fortunately, for Armstrong, he faces less than half the problems I do when he rides a bike. Seems a bit like cheating, doesn’t it?
Ralphie: I think it’s different cuz some sports are harder on your body than other sports. Like cycling is hard on your body but maybe not as hard as playing soccer.
Joe: What do you know, you still use training wheels.
Brad: I think it’s pretty hardcore coming back to biking professionally. Lance has put in some extreme miles just to show everybody what’s up and who’s da man still.
Ralphie: His legs should be strong from cycling.
Brad: It’s kinda like, “Hey guys, I’m gonna take a couple years off, sit on the beach, come back, and show you all I can still beat you anyways.” Hahaha! Michael Jordan-like.
Joe: Returning to cycling is one step up from returning to walking. Or, eating. Or, sleeping. I stopped drinking a fifth of bourbon and picking fights at the VFW. Then, I went on a bender and returned to the “sport” three weeks ago. Old man Tim McManus never had a chance. One left hook and that old geezer will think twice about looking at me funny.
Ralphie: If he was just going to race again, he should not have retired.
Chris: If one can never forget how to ride a bike, and elephants never forget, how come an elephant has never won the Tour de France?
Joe: I think there has been a total of three winners of the Tour de France over the past 73 years. So, Armstrong has a great chance. Good for him. Wake me up when it’s over.
Brad: I’d say Lance’s chances are pretty good. I mean, there is a high possibility if he gets in the top five, the other four will have been doppin’ on some something anyway.
Chris: Brad just simultaneously instilled unparalleled confidence in the sport, while providing Bud Selig another career option, other than retiring. Does cycling have a commissioner?
Brad: Who knows, some riders might have been splitting estrogen pills with Manny the past few months, gearing up for the big race. I can see Manny now, “Yo dawg, you really wanna pedal fast, bruh, try this out. It’s called estrogen, doo, hides that stuff in ya bloodstream.”
Chris: Prior to Armstrong winning his first Tour de France in 1999, my most exciting moment riding a bicycle was being chased by a dog on my way to school. Having a gluttony of LiveStrong bracelets help to erase that memory.
Brad: I’d like to see Lance sell LiveStrong bling. How great would it be to see some big rapper flash a big ole diamond necklace with LiveStrong on it, rather than “Get Money.”
Joe: I’m sick of seeing Lance Armstrong’s mug on TV. Maybe it’s time he visits the local VFW.