I like vacations. I like taking a break from the day to day grind of working for a living to recharge the mind and body. Unfortunately, when I’m on vacation, the family is on vacation as well. That means, of course that I can’t truly be on vacation myself, because I’m busy doing what everyone else wants to do.
Over the years, I’ve been through several vacation phases. There was the amusement park phase: Disney World, Hershey Park, Six Flags, Dollywood, etc. I’ve been more shaken and stirred than a James Bond martini. Now, when I was younger and less prone to breakage, I liked roller coasters. Mind you, these were large wooden roller coasters wherein you sat upright through a speedy ride that didn’t go faster than your average grocery cart. Later, I even enjoyed (if clenching your teeth to keep your spleen from flying out your mouth is enjoyment) the metal coasters that zipped like Bill Clinton on viagra with a contortionist intern. Faster, but still upright. I tried riding the rail models that turn you upside down, backwards, forwards and inside out, but the beautiful Pamela banned the rides when I started blacking out on a regular basis. Also, she wasn’t happy about the part where the inside stuff came out. Too gross. Do you think they serve all that multicolored gooey pretend food at the amusement parks so you don’t freak out all the customers when you barf? I guess pink puddles are less nasty than meat chunks at least to hippie vegetarians.
Then there was the educational phase, trips to Washington DC, Maryland and Virginia. Now
don’t get me wrong, I like museums, statues of dead white guys (yeaaaaa founding fathers!!!) and libraries as much as anyone, but after getting ripped off by my government by no less than two presidents (as of this writing) I just don’t feel like going back to DC and eating any more five dollar popsicles. If I can’t stop DC from picking my pocket, them the least I can do is to avoid giving them a penny voluntarily. It is petty, but I’m to that point now. I prefer to visit cities that don’t rip me off because of location, location, location.
Currently, we’re in the beach phase, otherwise know as the sunburn and sand phase. Why my wife who doesn’t swim and is prone to severe sunburn would choose a beach for a vacation spot is beyond my comprehension. Myrtle Beach in South Carolina has been her choice for several years. I don’t like sand, sunburn or getting smacked whenever a seminude female passes by.
That’s why I never smile in Myrtle Beach, even when reading my own material.
I anxiously await empty nest phase. By then, I’ll only have to contend with the wonderful Pamela as to vacation locations. But what fun would that be? I’m ready to contend with my lovely wife, my grown kids as well as their spouses and eventually my grandchildren. Why? Because that’s family and that’s the way it should be.