From Cloris Leachman to Evander Holyfield, Tatum O’Neal to Jerry Springer, Priscilla Presley to Steve-O.
You’d think we’d seen it all on ABC TV’s “Dancing With The Stars.” But those crafty “Dancing With The Stars” producers just keep surprising us with something unusual each season. The contestant choices are designed to keep us on our toes, but more often I think they just keep our fingers on the remote. In the interest of better judgment, here are ten celebrities I hope we never, ever have to see as “Dancing With The Stars” contestants!
Britney Spears: Haven’t we had just about enough of Britney? Do we really need to see her prancing about in a sexy salsa outfit and gyrating to the strains of a Latin dance party number? (Come to think of it, isn’t that what she did on that MTV Awards show?) Sorry Britney, please stick to pop music.
Bill Clinton and/or Monica Lewinsky: I’d better not proclaim this one too loudly. The producers seem to have a penchant for coming up with the bizarre, and they might consider this a dream couple. Please, let’s leave this pair in that dark corner of the Oval office where we found them.
Janet Jackson: Hey ABC! Take some legal advice from CBS, don’t even think about it! Beyond the obvious possible wardrobe “malfunctions,” there’s the whole issue of the Jackson family legacy to deal with. When we think of dancing Jacksons, we’d rather remember Michael doing the Moonwalk.
Homer Simpson: I’m actually having second thoughts about this one. Perhaps it would be fun to see the lovable galoot paired up with the likes of Cheryl Burke. I’m imaging a freewheeling, donut-fueled swing number. Hmmm….
The “OctoMom” (Nadya Suleman): Hasn’t the woman enough to keep herself busy with–count ’em–fourteen kids to take care of? Where would she store them while she’s dancing? Just because TMZ won’t leave her alone doesn’t mean you shouldn’t, ABC. Please spare us from any thought of this publicity-nightmare gone bad.
Flavor Flav: I’ve got to admit, the clock-wearing Public Enemy rapper does have a peculiar clownish charm. But does he really belong on “Dancing With The Stars?” Let’s hope not. Surreal? Yes. Dancing? No thanks!
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt: Oh please, oh please, oh please. Let’s hope some publicity-hungry executives don’t find this idea appealing. Head for the hills guys, your fifteen minutes are over!
Roseanne Barr and/or Tom Arnold: You may think this pair has faded into TV Heaven, but both seem to be popping up now and again. Mix the gracelessness of Roseanne with the clumsy heft of Tom Arnold and you’ve got a dancing train wreck I hope we never have to see!
Pee Wee Herman: Pee Wee is attempting to make a comeback, complete with a new stage show and numerous TV appearances. But who would he dance with, Miss Yvonne or Conky the Robot? (You know how he feels about girls.) Let’s keep Pee Wee where he belongs, spending time with Billy Baloney and Mr. Window in the Playhouse.
Tila Tequila: Okay, the appeal here to the producers is obvious. Who would she dance with: Derek Hough or Kym Johnson? Oh, the suspense is killing us! Not! Let’s keep Tila where she belongs, mired to the confines of mediocre MTV.
Additional nominations, anyone?