I have a hard time during the holiday season. I enjoy Christmas. I love everything about the concept and gift giving, decorating, dinners and spending time with family. What I specifically have a hard time with is how inconsiderate people are during their shopping trips. Over the years my frustration has grown and I’ve come up with a list of ways for people to learn from their errors. I hope, perhaps someday, people will read this and use it to tailor their shopping experience thus making the world a better place for everyone involved.
1) Start out with the doozie. For the love of all that is holy, do not park your cart in the middle of the aisles! Not on an angle, not sideways blocking the whole aisle. Not at the end of the aisle where you block the appropriate turn radius necessary to move to the -next- aisle. No. Park your cart off to the side, as if you were parking next to a curb.
2) Do not randomly stop in the middle of any lane or aisle to randomly look at a shelf and think “oh that’s nice. blah blah blah”. This is like stopping in the middle of main road in downtown without a light or stopsign nearby. You confuse the other lemmings. Move along or park it to the side then look.
3) Travel with the flow of people. Don’t put yourself on a pedestal thinking the items you need are more important than anything anyone else is picking up. We all have kids and grandkids and special friends and grandparents and girlfriends. Blah. Driving cart into a flow of people makes everyone frustrated. You may end up with a grenade chucked into your cart. I’ve seen people slip tiny items into the purses and coat pockets of passing people who do this just so the alarm goes off at the doors. Be nice.
4) If you’re not sure you’re going to buy it, please don’t walk around with it in your cart while you decide. People that do this at the video store drive me crazy at it is. If you decide you don’t want it, you’re more than likely going to drop it somewhere else instead of walking back and putting it back where you got it thus taking it away from someone else who may very well need that item for a gift.
5) Please take a shower before you shop. I understand the best deals are often in the morning and you’re rushed but it’s close quarters in here people. I don’t need to know, by smell, what you ate for dinner last night. Clean clothes make you special, and likeable. I don’t want to smell your beef, or know by odor that you’re bakin bread. You know what I mean.
6) Your small 2 door foreign car doesn’t take up more than one parking space. It doesn’t need room to breathe. Foreign cars breathe American air just as well as Ford and GM. So when you park on the line of your space im inclined to park normally so as to block you from re-entering your vehicle
7) The parking lot is designed with painted rows for a reason. Traffic should travel parallel to these rows in the lanes. Not at angles across the parking lot, and not at 40mph. This isn’t the salt flats, you’re not setting any speed records on who can get to the exit first
8) I know your friends and a lot of your family work here (Walmart, kmart, target, meijer, sears, etc) but for the love of good there are 6 people in line with cart-fulls. Please take your change, your reciept, your goods and -go-. Call them, don’t stand there and let your buddy/family cashier know what’s happened to you in the last week. I’m certain they aren’t listening. They only care about going home, unless they have to go home to you, then they only care about you disappearing.
9) Use the bathroom before you leave the house. The Christmas season is particularly hard on the public restrooms. For those of us with children and diaper emergencies we don’t want to go into a bathroom that wreaks like garlic, farts and old people. I know they all smell pretty similar. If you must use the restroom, at least hit the toilet. Didn’t you know? The floor isn’t wet because they recently mopped it. It’s wet because everyone is peeing on it. Now you know why the dog licks your shoes all the time.
10) It’s called “Customer Service” for a reason. To service customers. It is not, however, to be used as a sounding board to test the highest decibel level of your voice. Please stop arguing with them. It’s not their fault you don’t have a receipt. They didn’t lose it. They aren’t careless. You are. Pull up your sweatpants, tuck your fat into the shirt you’re wearing that’s too small, and go back home. If you hadn’t blown all your money on camel clickers and porn you wouldn’t have to try returning something you got 6 months ago for money. Walmart loves you anyway though.
11) It’s called a gift receipt. Ask for one. That saves us from your friend or family member pulling a #10
12) Don’t bring your children. If you must, make sure they are fed and have had some kind of nap. It helps to bring toys. If you can’t find any entertaining toys, then bring a muzzle. While I’m contemplating buying gifts for my normal family, I don’t want to listen to your disfunctional toddler screaming at you because you’re a bad parent.
It’s ok, I’m a bad parent as well. We all are. I don’t want to listen to yours because I had to listen to mine. I was just smart enough to lock mine in the closet with some glow sticks while I was gone.