Merry Christmas even though it’s not Christmas yet but there are
Christmas trees at K-Mart so Merry Christmas already. How was your year?
Is your diet going well? My daddy says Atkins is best, but my mommy says
he just says that because he just wants to eat dam bacon. I don’t know
what the difference is between dam bacon and regular bacon, I guess it
must be made by beavers or something. How is Mrs. Claus? Also, I have a
question. Are the elves your adoptive family, magical people you met at
the North Pole, or something else? All the movies tell different
stories. I have been very good this year. This is what I want for Christmas.
I want a dump truck with a remote control. But every year I ask for
remote controlled cars and you bring the wrong kind. You always give
those ones with the little remote with the sideways wheel that are
attached by a little wire to the car. I don’t want that. They don’t
drive right and there’s no point in a remote control car attached to a
short wire. I might as well push that. Get me the one with the antennae
and the cool lights.
I want a robot because robots are smart. A real robot could do my
homework. My teacher says I need to learn math for my job when I grow up
but I don’t think so. You don’t use math and you seem pretty successful.
You just use magic. I should be learning magic instead. Or getting
groups of elves to do my work for me. Then I could spend the rest of the
year besides Christmas eating cookies. You’re my role model.
I want Legos. But I don’t want any Legos. I want Star Wars Legos. Or
Harry Potter Legos. Or Batman Legos. Or Indiana Jones Legos. Or Saving
Private Ryan Legos. Any Legos, really, as long as I have a little book
telling me what to build so I don’t have to imagine something myself. In
fact, just get me toys from those movies instead of Legos. I always just
make my daddy build them anyway, then make guns out of them when after
play the Legos fall apart.
I want a Red Ryder carbine-action two hundred shot range model air rifle
with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time. But make sure
there’s a little orange bit at the end of the barrel. I don’t want a
policeman to shoot me.
I want a Mario videogame but my mommy won’t let me have any video games
because Oprah said they’re too violent. Get me a DVD of Saw V instead.
Mommy said that’s ok.
I want a lot more for Christmas but I don’t want to seem greedy because
then you’ll think I’m naughty and not get me as much. In fact, I don’t
want anything. I just want world peace.
P.S.: I actually do want Christmas presents. Just pretend I didn’t say that.