I know you are out there. While pregnant with my first child Mother announced your existence. She was drinking that night as she cried, cradling you in her arms and playing with your unseen hair while she described you to me. Every inch, every hair was kept in her memory. She told me you were my full brother and sister, given away because she was not allowed to keep you. She told me how she knew you had went to places where you would have a better life than she could provide at that time.
This is all I know.
There are more of you than the two she talked about: I found a half-sister who is sixteen years my senior, and a half-brother four years younger than her. On his birth certificate it shows that there were two children born between them. My oldest sister remembers them. She calls them “Spike and Ike” and told me that one day my mother took them away, and she never saw them again. When asked where they were, my mother never answered. My brother said he remembers them barely, but he was very young. They were raised by one of my mother’s aunts – a woman who died before I was born.
I estimate there to be seven or eight of us born to the same mother, yet for some reason I was the only one she kept. Why I was chosen for this honor I really don’t know, though according to my auntie there was another who was kept, a boy who allegedly was killed in a car accident.
Who you are, where you ended up I may never know. I have debated on trying to locate you, but honestly do not know where to begin. I was so upset by the knowledge I wanted to condemn my mother, promising myself I would bring up the subject when I could do so without judgment – she was killed in an accident before that day came.
She was from Ohio. Her maiden name was Ash. She went under several names over the years from Williams to Brewer and Ivy for a time. Exactly how many times she was married I have no idea. All I know is that she was my mother and I still love her.
I feel like I will never know exactly who I am, because a part of me will always be missing. That’s okay – I am used to being an enigma to myself.
If you were to appear out of nowhere I would not expect to be best friends – we don’t even know each other. I would only rest content in knowing that you are okay, that all is well in your part of the world.
Wherever you are my unknown siblings, I wish you the best and hope that my mother was right – that she DID end up giving you a better world.
