‘Twas the night before Christmas, the house was a mess,
I knew I was showing some signs of distress.
The stockings were stuffed to the limit with junk
I bought in the mall from some pimply faced punk.
Kids running amok had been sent to their beds,
And the dog had just chewed two light strings to shreds.
The tree was sparking and tipped to one side,
I was feeling quite broke and bleary eyed.
When from out in the driveway there came such a clatter,
I tipped over my wine to see what was the matter.
I rushed to the door and snapped on the light,
And realized at once something just wasn’t right.
The moonlight was dancing on crusty brown snow,
As I heard a deep voice holler “Whoa! You dopes, WHOA!
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a jet propelled Caddy and eight volunteer reindeer.
A velvet voiced driver all shiny and slick,
I knew in a moment this wasn’t St Nick.
His team pranced and preened with not one sign of shame,
And the mystic grinned sweetly and called them by name!
“Smile, Holder, Hillary! Suck up Rahm and Biden!
Dance, Barney and Gibbsie! Primp, Nancy and Tim!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now spend away! Spend away! Spend away all!”
Like those 401k’s, once flying so high,
(‘Til they met the recession, and dropped from the sky)
Right up to the house-top the brazen deer flew,
With bags full of gifts in the Cadillacaroo. (Gimme a break here, Ok?)
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each crushing hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
I got smacked with more taxes Tiny Timmy had found.
Ten percent on all food, all clothing and health?
I said goodbye for the kids to their dwindling wealth.
He emptied my pockets, ’til I had nothing left;
He called it sharing but I called it theft.
His eyes-how they twinkled! He laughed like a loon!
I found myself hoping he’d be done with me soon!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a smirk,
As he postponed my retirement, the hypocritical jerk.
The stub of a Lucky he held tight in his teeth,
As the ash burned a hole in my future beneath.
He had a long face, a tall gangly young man,
That had doomed me to dinners of spam in a can.
He was all charm and charisma, an engaging young elf,
But I shivered and shuddered, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
And somehow I knew I’d be drowning in red.
He told me he was just cleaning up someone’s mess,
I didn’t believe him, and he knew it, I guess.
‘Cause displaying one finger on the side of his nose,
He flipped me off deftly, and up the chimney he rose!
He revved up the Caddy, his team bowed and cheered,
And away they all flew as they snickered and sneered.
But I heard him say, although I would prefer to forget it,
“Be careful what you wish for! You just might get it!”
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