So, you are feeling in the holiday spirit and almost have all your shopping done? For those of you that said yes, congratulations, but I think most of us still have quite a bit left to go. We better get going on that. Christmas is less than two weeks away. Since we are in such a hurry, let me lend you some of my expertise.
A simple step to help you with your Christmas shopping is to make sure you keep a list of everybody you need to shop for. Let’s start the list with spouses, significant others, parents and children. Those are the most important ones, and usually the hardest to shop for. Now let’s not forget other family like grandparents, nieces, nephews and of course, siblings. That only leaves random people like hairdressers, mailmen, secretaries and Tiger Woods.
Yes, you heard me right. I said Tiger Woods. What, just because the man had a few infidelities he doesn’t get a Christmas gift? Isn’t Christmas about giving? You know the poor guy isn’t going to get anything from his wife. Shouldn’t we pick up the slack? I know what you are thinking. Tiger has more money than probably everybody reading this article combined. The sad part is I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that.
Nevertheless though, Christmas isn’t about money. At least it shouldn’t be anyways. Christmas is about spreading the holiday cheer. Say what you want about Tiger Woods, but there isn’t much doubt he could use some holiday cheer right about now. A normal guy cheats on his wife repeatedly and he catches grief from his wife, her friends, her family, and any of the mistresses that didn’t know he was married. Now that is quite a bit of grief. Now imagine how much crap Tiger has to hear. He’s taking on more crap than a sewage system. Even if he deserves a lot of it, I still feel a little bad for him. So I’m not sure about you, but I was thinking about giving him a gift.
At first I was thinking about getting him a porn star, but he already has two of those. So I thought about upping the stakes and giving him a STD, but again he has two porn stars, so he probably has that base covered, too. So I had it down to two things; a year supply of condoms and a football uniform with pads, cup and helmet. I came to the conclusion that with so many mistresses condoms could get quite costly, and I am on a limited budget. Plus, I feel like giving him the football uniform is not only getting him something, but his whole family something. What if he is just innocently driving down the road and one of his shall we say “lady friends” calls. Elin hears him and without thinking about the kids being in the car, she just starts beating him with a 9 iron. If he is wearing the football uniform, I so thoughtfully got for him, then I am helping protect his whole family. Now, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. That’s true Christmas spirit.