It’s all been done before, she said. I told her not to tell me that again. I have bandages. Exactly where they should be. I know where I really need them, but she said where they are on now is where it’s most needed. I beg to differ. What the hell are these bandages gonna conceal?! Absolutely——nothing. The blood still drips, the wounds are still there. I am going to go back and reopen the wounds. These bandages are a fraud. The bandages are temporary, they do not heal.
I need some healing, she said. I told her, please spare me the eulogy. I lay on this bed. I am only here in the interim. I am going to leave once she leaves. Every time I look at her I see my failure. I see my faults. All I wanna tell her is, leave me alone. I don’t need you or anyone. How can I tell my ‘redeemer’, leave? How can I tell her, you make me feel worse? What I really want to tell her is, please facilitate my demise. She only beckons failure from me. Doesn’t she see the sadness and death in my eyes?
Can I keep festering this hate? I want to see how long I can coddle this scorn. The bandages are a reminder of my failure. How can one fail so many times? I am a pro. If it’s not perfect, I don’t want anything to do with it. Perfection is the only thing I strive for. Perfection is impetus. I love you perfection. I do not want to be without you. I cannot live without you perfection. You failed me so I cradle this annihilation. The annihilation of my spirit, soul. I deserve these bandages. I did it to myself. I blame ME. I did this. It cannot be undone. It’s too late for remorse, regret. I don’t have time for these meaningless sentiments. Shame on me, to waste my time on such trivial emotions. The weak only fail. I spit on the weak. I deserve what I get for being weak.
How have I failed so greatly?! She continues to assault me. She tells me, be quiet and just rest. I cannot speak. The scar is visible. The scar is the failure. Damn me. The anguish these scars give me is a numbing. I beckon the anguish to engulf me, to never leave me. How can I facilitate this corruption? It kills me to know I have this deficiency. Ugh, the agony to go on. Am done. I do not want to continue this way. I am going to end it. It’s the only way. The right way.
She continues to sit there. I cannot look at her any longer. She’s been sitting there for three days, probably only taking bathroom breaks. She is scared to leave me. She knows what will happen. I have failed twice before. She knows this is an omen. I wish I can tell her……. It’s beyond you and me. Its a higher power. Believe what you want to believe. What redeems you does not redeem me. Am on another frequency. Your prayers will not save me. There is no god but mine. But what is that god?
My hands are wet. They are wet from her tears, wasted tears. I see the questions in her eyes. I cannot give her the answers. I don’t have the answers. I don’t know the answers. If I did…….. The bandages hold the answers. They answer what is underneath. What is underneath? She can tell me. I do not want her to tell me. I have come undone because of her. The wounds are because of her. Does she know the depths she has plunged me into? How do I tell her I cannot go on because of her? How can I reconcile my actions so she can understand? It’s too late to understand.
I have descended into the pits of hell. Can she not see the fires have singed me? Its left me charred. I do not want her to touch me. Please leave me. Please leave me so I can……..so I can know what have I failed to understand.